Anyone living in or working in London will tell you they’ve had enough already. The Olympics are for the people, yeah right so why are all the events on during the day when most of us are at work?
So during the run up and I’m sure while the Olympics are on I will be faced with my own daily version, lunch hour Olympics, its called lunch hour for a reason……
On my list of events today are, Superdrug, WH Smiths, Sainsbury’s and Gregg’s
Getting past the receptionist – Lovely lady but she could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I have an hour and a masshoosive list of things to do. Now is not the time to ask me what am I having for lunch nor are you doing a little shopping and certainly do not ask me about the weather. So I get in the lift and poise myself to make a mad dash out through reception. Lift doors open and there is a masshoosive line forming for the security gates so I fail at the first hurdle.
Chuggers - They are everywhere and even more so since now they think there will be an increase in victims. So I dodge chugger 1, 2 3 and 4 all within 5 mins, Chugger 5 spots me, he is a pesistant feker and decides he will trot along beside me. The speel ringing in my ears I stop and say, Ok I will sign up but on 2 conditions, 1, you give me your bank details and 2, you take my emo’s and send them out to help with this project. Chugger 5 is thinking, he asks me why I need his bank details so I respond by saying I can pass them on to chugger 6 who is eagerly awaiting my arrival on his part of the street. Bingo I get gold in the event as Chugger admits defeat. I do give to charity but I will not give anyone my bank details.
Little people, their chariots and parents – This is a two stage event, Part 1 is avoiding the 3 abreast pushchairs with dangly shopping bags, why they feel the need to do this I have no idea, I am doing well until child in buggy 3 throws his toy and they stop dead in front of me. Mum of child 3 let’s go of buggy to pick up toy and buggy 3 proceeds to tip backwards. So mad panic as child 3 is upside down and items from bags are making their way in various directions. I pick up a tin of beans which has stopped by my foot and have it swiftly snatched from me. I obviously look like I was about to walk off with it so I smile sweetly and say its quiet alright and head on to stage 2 of this event.
Little people a wandering – First I am hit by small child who runs into me, its ok he hasn’t fallen over so I move on to child 2 who is about to jump onto the road, ninja responses kick in and I stop him from running out into the road, yet again not a word of thanks. Child 3 then runs into me and lands on her bum which causes her to scream, I help her up and her Mother proceeds to look at me as if I am some kind of weirdo so now I’ve had enough and give this Mother a don’t fek with me look. she retreats with child. So in this event I think it’s a draw.
I’ll point out I haven’t actually made it into any of the shops yet but I see a gap and I’m gone at warp factor nine I dodge small people, oldies and yet more chuggers and I make it to WH Smiths.
Purchasing a card without extras – I dodge various bodies milling around and I’m at the card isle. Scanning takes place and I find the card but no envelope so my arms fling up and down, left and right until I find an envelope that fits, now to the tills. The tills are near the entrance and the route is lined with various obstacles and people. I dodge, weave hop from foot to foot and even a little skip gets thrown in and I’m there. Huge line of people waiting to pay so I hop dementedly from foot to foot looking like I need to wee. they close a till noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo its lunchtime what are you doing, I am doomed. So I wait and wait for my turn. My turn arrives, I have by now sorted the right amount out for the card in cash and I need to shift but wait I’m asked if I’d like a family sized bar of galaxy for a pound?, no thank you, a bottle of Scottish spring water for a pound?, nope, a bag of harribo’s for a pound, nooooo and finally I’m asked would I like first class stamps for my card. Now the woman has already examined my card and remarked its a nice cards she also knows it says husband on it, so I say no thank you I live with my husband so I don’t need any stamps take my card and stomp out.
Superdrug – Now I’m in here to buy some stuff to return emo’s hair to her natural colour. I head down the aisle towards the hair colour sign and I’m hit by a Max Factor rep who decides I fit her profile to try new products on. Now I try politely as possible to explain that I’m on my lunch and have to make one purchase in here and that’s it, my plea’s fall on deaf ears so I shout MOVE, this works and she steps aside and lets me past. I am now in the hair colour bit but there are 6 different products so I call Lou in the office as she is always doing things to her hair, problem solved. Box in hand I detour to avoid Max Factor Woman. Tills are empty but wait I’m done big time by a Dad and pushchair, noooo epic fail. So Dad is at the till and has only picked up 1 bag of baby wipes from a BOGF arrrghhhhhh noooooooooo please god help me, he is off wandering around because he can’t remember where he picked them up from. So I wait and wait until its my turn and I’m asked did I find everything I needed and say I don’t want stamps, the lady tells me they don’t sells stamps so I suggest they should and walk out, epic fail again.
Sainsbury’s – I need a newspaper having forgotten to pick one up in Smith’s, I also need bread as a loaf has disappeared overnight. This is a small Sainsbury’s one of those express or extra ones. Paper found and I’m in the bread isle. I’m examining bread when I’m reversed into by a man in a mobility scooter. Now my friend Dick and I have encountered this man on many of our lunchtime wobbles, he is quiet frankly a nuisance and is forever knocking displays over or just destroys the shop so I just turn and go the other way as he is now stuck and proceeds to knock everything over in his attempt to turn round. I go to pay and I stand with a foot in both the lines for self-service and serviced tills. I hit the self-service till’s and off I go but wait my loaf of bread isnt recognised and the till starts wailing for assistance. I wait an age and a man slowly ambles towards me and asks me what the problem is so I look at the till and say it thinks this loaf of bread is a bottle of wine, I cannot stop myself adding at this point, no I’m not Jesus. Ambling man taps away and hurrah we have a picture of bread so I’m done. I think this counts as a fail too.
So now I have a crossing to negotiate before I hit Gregg’s, I wait patently with the others waiting to cross, the line up is, Mum with buggy, me, a fellow office worker, a couple of youths and an old lady with a shopping trolley. Green man flashes and I’m like a racehorse gone….
I can see Gregg’s it’s in my sights but I’m stopped in my tracks by a tourist wanting directions. Now at what point do I look like a police man, a tour guide etc, I have no idea where the place is they are looking for because I just work here, I don’t live here so off I go again.
Gregg’s – By now the line is out of the door so I can’t see if they have what I’m after which is 2 tubs of their mini sausage rolls and a lemon muffin. So I wait patiently and its my turn, no mini sausage rolls or muffins, both sold out, Epic fail Dad will be soooo disappointed.
I head back to the office and I’m hit by more chuggers, little people, oldies a few Hare Krishna’s who wave their bells at me, they are lucky I am in a rush because those bells could end up somewhere extremely painful.
I am back in the safety of our office and our receptionists ask me if I’ve been shopping and did I have a nice lunch, bang slap me on the forehead I’ve forgotten to buy lunch. I stand there and weigh up the pros and cons of running the gauntlet again, check watch, 52 mins I’ve been gone and decide I’d rather starve. I drag my self back to my desk and one of my colleagues asks me what’s it like out on the high road, my reply, a feking war zone.
So I’m now back at my desk and I’m exhausted after all I’ve run a marathon, taken part in triple jump, run the 100 metres across the road, Slalomed along the pavement and skipped so now……..