Gone are the days when I attracted the attention of anyone with their own teeth, a full head of hair and is under the aged of 75, I am obviously wearing eau du old biddie.
Why, no Idea but wherever I go they pop up.
Recently on a trip to Sainsbury’s to take Dad to do his weekly shopping I was stopped by an old couple in the loo roll section and was asked, Is aloe vera loo roll good for your bum. No longer do I look round to see if there is a hidden camera crew, this is normal life for me. After a lengthy conversation about the benefits of aloe vera and wrinkly bums they throw the loo roll in their trolley, off they go pleased with their purchase.
I turn round expecting to see Dad but he has disappeared, heck but we’ve been here before, always disappearing, that man is like a greyhound out of a trap when he wants to be. I find as usual Dad face down examining the cakes, phew. Someone needs to invent reins for old people to save wandering off moments, it works for kids….
The man caneeee resist a cake
Due to unfortunate circumstances Dad is now dependant on myself and Mr F. So our lives revolve around Dad, I’m sure this is just parents revenge Everyday there is something that happens.
Yesterday I took him for a follow-up at the eye clinic after he had cataract surgery. Should have been straight forward but oh no, they had lost loads of patients notes so the clinic was backed up with irate biddies and me I was stuck in the middle of it all while Dad thought it was appropriate to keep saying, cue jumper, causing already irate biddies to revolt. They really should provide security guards.
So I spent nearly 4 hours picking up stuff these biddies kept dropping, pointing out fly’s were undone, fetching water, reciting the names called and so on, meanwhile Dad he just kept up saying cue jumper. Finlay we leave and get him home, I tell him I need to get to work so I’ll see him in then I’ll have to shoot. Oh no in we go, Dads says I’m putting the kettle on so now I’m stuck for another half an hour while he repeats himself.
Now please don’t think that I am being cruel but there are hundreds of elderly people being cared for by relatives and its hard work.
A sense of humour is essential
We pop in to see Dad every evening, Mr F rings him every morning, he comes for tea on a Friday, we spend most of Saturday with him, decrumbing his house, filling the cupboards and so forth, Sunday he comes for the day. At nearly 44 when my youngest is now 16 I should be child free, now I have an 83-year-old child to consider.
We can’t go anywhere unless we know where the toilets are.
Meals now consist of soft foods.
The heating is constantly on at 24 degree’s.
We can’t go on holiday unless we have a Dad sitter.
The tv is always blaring.
No one actually watches tv because Dad talks all the way through any decent programme.
Wearing odd socks is a sign of the days mood, if they are odd good mood, matching, bad mood.
Making sure he always has cash as trying to pay for petrol or anything else with a nectar card means he needs rescuing.
Jelly and ice cream is always on my shopping list.
You ignore farting sounds.
I know my GP’s first name.
I have spent so much time in my Doctors surgery I have put suggestions in the suggestion box and read every magazine in there.
Everything happened yesterday.
Everything usually ends with, gets on my nerves.
You have to have at least one sensible car to ferry Dad around in.
Actually the list is endless, but on a funnier note here are some of the things he has said which make me smile and all the hard work is forgotten
I was in the garage and got into a bit of road rush with some yappies in their 4 by 2.
On the news last night they said some budgies had escaped from their ovaries.
That mans got dilemons.
Senile citizen’s get in for free.
Its turd wars just you wait and see.
Is that girl painting the shed again, in response to emo applying make up.
Why do they wear those jumper hoods.
I wasnt asleep I was playing hangman with my eyes shut.
No I haven’t had any cake and in the next breath, that cake you got me was lovely.
Why is she wearing one of those flip-flop things (thong).
That tripod will make her deaf.
I’ve forgotten my hearing aids, have been listening for them but beggar me If I know where they are.
That footballer has been saying things on twittler.
Whats that you say.
Pull my finger.
Life is never dull, hectic but not in the slightest bit dull and we do it because they are our parents and they in turn looked after us.
The one thing that scares me is I look at my emo’s and think eek they will be responsible for my care when I am old and a bit batty, perhaps I should just shoot myself now….
So this will probably be me in 40 years