I am addicted and I know it……….

To what I hear you ask?

Sparkly things?….No

Shoes?…..No

Handbags?……No

Clothes?……No

HOOVERS, yes I did say hoovers!

I currently have 9 in my collection ranging from,

Dyson upright, Dyson cylinder pet, Vax, Hoover Cylinder, Henry, Bissell, Miele, Black & Decker garden vac and my latest addition is a Black & Decker hand held dust buster called Horace, yes they all do have names!

Yesterday Mr F announced he was pulling the kitchen apart to fit a masshoosive fridge he had purchased. These words went straight over my head, I do not care because I was going hoover shopping, do what you will……..

Horace has been purchased purely for the stairs being that we have 26 stairs in our house and the traffic up and down them, 2 adults, 3 Emos + guests, 2 dogs, 1 cat and the occasional oap create nothing but dust!

Before any of you start shouting bejeezus the woman’s gone mad there are lots of things you can do with a hoover other than clean carpets, floors and stairs!

1, Board games, when things get tense be it a kids or adult/emo game, whip the hoover out and suck the flipping lot up, there argument over and problem solved.

2, Haircuts, hover with the nozzle strategically placed to catch all the hair.

3, Pets, great for grooming horses, dogs, cats and depending which one you use they get a massage too.

4, Snow, no more scraping the car or drive, get the Vax out for this job, snow, what snow?

5, Hedge trimmings, get the garden vac out and hoover those bushes

6, Awakening of the emo’s, just hoover their heads.

7, Oap’s who make a mess can easily be de crumbed without moving them

The list of uses for a hoover Is endless.

Okay so I maybe slightly odd but I am not hurting anyone, am I?

Hello its Rob from Fix my Rim……

Those of you that know me will know I am absolutely fanatical, besotted whatever you want to call it about my car and in particular my alloys. My car is the one thing that’s mine, it wont fit in all three emo’s thank god, I don’t have to share it, If it gets mucky its down to me and I can play what I want at the volume I want. Yes I know it’s a lump of metal.

Its 2 years old now and coming up for its first service so I call the dealer and book it in. The day comes and off Zelda goes, yes everything mechanical has a name in this house……. Zelda is brought back to me serviced and washed well I say washed they had washed everything apart from her wheels and bum. At the time I didn’t think it was odd they had forgotten to wash her wheels until the next day when I was talking to Dick in the works car park and she points out there is a lump missing out of my alloys.

The lump

Yes I know it’s not a huge lump that’s not the point, someone has curbed my car and I wasnt a happy bunny.

I call the dealership and fair play they agreed it was their fault and would get it repaired. The firm they use is local to me so I was asked if they could give them my number rather than me taking it back to the dealership etc and was told they would call me back once they had spoken to them.

On the way home I got a call from the dealership before anyone says mobile phones and cars,  Its fitted with bluetooth so hands free. I answer the call and its the dealership who tell me they have given my details to the company and they would be in touch. I am told that the chaps name is Rob and the company is called fix my rim…..well I have a mind of a teenager and thinking my hearing aids were not working properly so I ask him to repeat the company name to which the response again is fix my rim. At this point I am now sat in traffic and am laughing and clapping so much that I sound like a seal, the poor bloke on the other end thinks I am ill and keeps asking me if he can call someone, the more he says this the more I laugh. Those sat in their cars next to me must have thought I was a Nutter as by now no noise is coming out of my mouth but I am still clapping whilst rocking with tears streaming down my face and the poor man still keeps asking me if im ok. I manage to compose myself long enough to say I am fine and hang up.

I don’t know about you but when these things happen I always have to ring someone to relay the hysterics so I call Mr F and manage to say I’ve had a call from fix and that was it I am off again and cannot speak and the seal impression begins again, Mr F just hangs up, I think he is used to me by now. I am slightly put out he hung up so I call Dick to tell her instead and go through the same process again but eventually relay the story, by now Dick has googled fix my rim and there is hysterical laughter coming from the office. So now I am not the only one that sounds like a seal….

A couple of days later we were on our way to Dads and my mobile rings, I answer the call and the voice says Hello its Rob from fix my rim, well I am off again and cannot stop, poor man. Rob tells me that he will come over on Thursday and will text me to confirm that morning meanwhile im still snorting with hysterics.

The day comes and I have to take Dad for a blood test so I am sat in the surgery with him when my mobile goes, I’ve saved his number and so its says I have a text from fix my rim and I am off again, everyone in the surgery is looking at me and I can’t stop laughing. Fix my rim will be with me in 30 mins. I am praying his van isn’t sign written because I will probably wet myself laughing……….

Rob arrives in a plain van and fair play does a fabulous job of repairing my wheel. Before he leaves he gives me his card and before I can look at it he says no laughing. Panic I can’t look at it because I know its going to have some reference to the company name…god help me. Off he goes and sure enough the card does and yes I am off again laughing so hard that no noise comes out.

Why is it that a 43-year-old woman finds fix my rim hysterical and cannot stop laughing every time it’s mentioned, I have no idea but it made my week and thank you Mini for curbing my wheel, oh my days I have not laughed so much in ages.

 

A rather dissapointing affair

Continuing with the picture theme about my recent work appraisal

So the day came and I had

And

Because I

And I have been working

And I am the

But but despite all this I am

And I am told I come across as I

My boss has turned into a

And starts

And expects miracles however

But I’m told I’ve

And suddenly remember he has started profile stalking me on

And

Perhaps I need to protect myself

But then I notice he is wearing

And

Finished off with

I’m like

And cannot contain myself any longer

And again I’m like

You really have

And think

Needless to say I think my days are numbered

But he has shown his

And should never

And remember

So

I am ready for battle

And put up a fight

Well that’s if I can stop

Lets see what next week brings

Noooo not a another smelly fuggly ginger animal please

Dilemmas yet again at Frazzle Towers, why? Mr F wants an alpaca and not just any old alpaca he wants this one

And if that isn’t bad enough he has already given it a name….. Jock and how did I find out? he announced it on twitter, no Mr F, I don’t think twitter is the best place to announce to your wife you’ve bought an alpaca.

Now those of you that know me will be aware I already have an assortment of dependants, humans and animals and for those that don’t,

I have 3 emo’s who will think its cute until it bottom burps, spits or has a poo then it will be the most disgusting smelly thing on earth. We had the same issues with the guinea pig. Parents be warned getting you’re kids a pet to try to teach them responsibility…….. it doesn’t work, been there got the t-shirt and been bitten for my troubles.

2 dogs, Bert the boxer who is mad as a box of frogs, he happens to be ginger too. Bert will try to box it. Lulu the British Bulldog who is sort of gingerish, she happens to be the most active bulldog on the planet and has made it her life’s mission to stalk everything in the garden or fields, be it a leaf, butterfly or her current obsession is the squirrels, anyway needless to say Lulu will try to eat it.

Dinks the cat, well bless him he is poorly and quite frankly wont give a flying fig.

The horses, they don’t get on with alpacas and if it’s anything like the time they met a donkey well it will be carnage, they are still traumatised by the meeting.

And Dad, well Dad will just think its an overgrown sheep.

Why he wants one I have no feking idea, you can’t eat it, ride or really do much with it apart from clip it and sell the wool. I suppose that will be left to me too as I clip the horses.

Now I already have to get up at stupid o’clock before work to do the horses, walk the dogs and feed the cat so I am assuming I will now have to add another half an hour to do the ginger thing.  One more problem looming, I know that they are not solitary animals and I know Mr F knows this so either he is thinking of buying 2 and probably calling them Jock and Taff or Jock and Paddy or worse still he will get a goat as a companion. Now I had goats as a child and quite frankly the damn things are a pain in the arriss, always escaping and they eat everything. So needless to say I dare not ask what companion Jock will have.

The locals will think I’ve finally lost the plot not that they think I had the plot in the first place, they already think Im mad what with the boxing boxer dog, the fuggly bulldog that hates busses and the horses with donkey issues, so when they see me walking an assortment of ginger animals in the dark wearing my pj’s, wooly hat and wellies with a humming alpaca plus companion in tow I will be given an even wider birth than normal.

If someone out there wants to adopt me please, please, please come and get me

The Randomness of Facebook

Over on Facebook the following is happening,

Claire my cousin wants us to send in the clowns, she has a clown phobia so that’s a random post

Donna wants the sun to pee off because its messing up her training session. I was wondering if I should suggest that she perhaps runs when its cooler.

Mark has a long weekend

Sheila has a stack of scratch cards in cafe world to give out

Mini is heading down under

Sheila now needs my help in cafe world

Hayley horoscope has been posted twice, perhaps she missed it the first time

Toni had a Cornish pasty for lunch, she failed to update if it was nice or not

Sheila needs some wood

Linda needs a secret paparazzi invite

Peter is trying to insure his excitement when he gets home and is going to paint the wall and watch it dry. I can only assume he is bored at work

Linda is now a bread pudding souffle master. I am going to google that one as I’m sure its made up

Toni has been watching crazy horse racing in Japan. Was that before or after Cornish pasty

Donna has run 3.39M in 29m8s and logged it. Not sure if I should ask was that before it got hot or not.

Mrs S likes cycle sprog. No idea and im not going to ask either

Avril wishes tonsillitis would just bugger off

Sheila found a white mouse nibbling her cheese

Sheila is now a crawfish etoutfee master. WTF is one of them

Sheila has put an egg up for grabs. Perhaps she needs to watch that mouse

Kathy says Facebook is shocking

Serena wants to go and see Expendables 2 but has no one to go with.

Sophie has been to see Expendables 2. Hope Serena doesnt spot that comment

Nick is ranting about Mr Hague

Kath’s chatbox is jumping up and down

Jane is off to trim her bush

Linda needs lemon curd tickets. Never heard of them

Sheila has knocked a snake out. Not sure how that got in her flat

Susie has spent too much time out in the sun and looks like a red tomato

Sian is off to Wales where it is raining yet again

Abbi had a bit of a dance with Tasha last night

Christie needs a roofer

Georgie fell asleep on the train and missed her stop

Kath wants to know who the hell is Prince Henry of Wales

Hayley is camping and its crap

Kath will be having Moet and a kebab later. Quality mix

Meeri has over eaten

Sheila just checked in on the sofa. I bed she needed to sit down, she has had a very busy day

Kathryn’s horse has moved the shovel

Apart from Sheila and Linda everyone appears to have had a quiet day.

Complete and utter randomness so I’m off back to twitter

Hello world!

Reblogged from greybutfunny:

I have always wanted to write a book, ever since a clairvoyant told me and my mother that I would become a writer.  I'm not really sure why I kept hold of that, as everything else she said was rubbish!  Anyway I have decided to dip my toe in the water by blogging.  However my grammar is appalling (I write the same as I speak) so this should be interesting.  

Read more… 105 more words

Great blog

The Ninja half the age of my boobs bra fitter

Bra fitting, what can I say……

There comes a time in life when you can’t put it off any longer, having previously tried M&S and Debenhams both gave me different sizes I was at a bit of a loss until a friend suggested Bravissimo so I thought I’d give it a go. Now I’m not what you would call average shape being that I’m a size 8 and my boobs are now totally masshoosivly out of  proportion which makes my top half a size masshoosive and the bottom an 8. Buying dresses is a nightmare they either fit on top and hang like a tent on the bottom or I end up looking like a milkmaid on top while the bottom half looks fine.

I need to tackle this before they end up by my knee’s. After the recommendation I gave Bravissimo a go.

I am greeted by a girl called Jenna and yes I mean girl my boobs are at least twice her age, she welcomes me and is quite short so she is eye level with my boobs now nicknamed Dolly and Faith, the eye level bra fitter tells me they don’t measure its all done by eye….panic.

I am promptly ushered into a dressing room, I say dressing room but I’m not sure it is, the room is lined with mirrors, neon lights, a podium in the middle and if my eyes don’t deceive me that’s a dressing gown hanging in the corner. I am asked to stand on the podium and handed the dressing gown, cue panic yet again…

Did I put good pants on this morning or am I wearing my faithful grey sloggi’s, oh I could cry, what am I doing.

My face must have given my despair away,  on cue music is piped through the room, ocean waves crashing a against rocks I think it’s called, but this isn’t good because the water flapping is going to make me want a wee. Jenna starts to reassure me, she has seen many ladies boobs and I shouldn’t be embarrassed. Embarrassed I am mortified, not only is she eye level with Dolly and Faith, they are twice her age and no one but Mr F gets to see them. Oh my days what to do.  I can’t run because she is stood in front of me, I have no choice but to strip.

So there I am stood in front of a child in my underwear which thank god isn’t grey and isn’t the faithful sloggis in a room surrounded by neon lights stood on a podium whilst water music is piped around me and I need to wee, oh my days what was I thinking of. That thought is quickly removed when Jenna grabs bra clad Dolly and Faith and proceeds to hoik them up under my chin while making rather strange grunting noises, she hoiks them up and tells me this is where they should be sitting. I resist the urge to say I don’t want to be chin slapped by Dolly and Faith. So more hoiking and grunting takes place and I’m told I am wearing the wrong size bra.

This child tells me she is off to find bra’s so I am left standing on a podium in a neon mirrored room with water music playing in the background thinking WTF am I doing.

Jenna promptly returns with an assortment of bra’s like some mad bra grabbing ninja that she is.  Apparently it is time to release Dolly and Faith, as bra ninja is stood right in front of me and eye level with Dolly and Faith I have no option but to say, you might want to stand back……

Bra ninja proceeds to whip round me arranging Dolly and Faith into various bra’s, she truly is a ninja, as soon as one is on much hoiking and grunting takes place the bra is then whipped off and flung on the floor to be replaced by another. My head is spinning she is moving so fast, my arms are up, down up down I cannot keep up with this boob ninja.

Before I know it boob ninja has selected 5 bra’s for different occasions, work, sport…err why?  You name it there was one for every occasion, yet again she works like a ninja and Dolly and Faith are promptly nestled in the chosen few.

It was a harrowing experience, I expected an older lady and got an eye level child half the age of  Dolly and Faith bra fitting ninja, in fairness she was actually very good I just wasn’t prepared, however I will be eternally grateful I didn’t end up looking like this

Lunch Hour Olympics

Anyone living in or working in London will tell you they’ve had enough already. The Olympics are for the people, yeah right so why are all the events on during the day when most of us are at work?

So during the run up and I’m sure while the Olympics are on I will be faced with my own daily version, lunch hour Olympics, its called lunch hour for a reason……

On my list of events today are, Superdrug, WH Smiths, Sainsbury’s and Gregg’s

Getting past the receptionist – Lovely lady but she could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I have an hour and a masshoosive list of things to do. Now is not the time to ask me what am I having for lunch nor are you doing a little shopping and certainly do not ask me about the weather. So I get in the lift and poise myself to make a mad dash out through reception. Lift doors open and there is a masshoosive line forming for the security gates so I fail at the first hurdle.

Chuggers - They are everywhere and even more so since now they think there will be an increase in victims. So I dodge chugger 1, 2 3 and 4 all within 5 mins, Chugger 5 spots me, he is a pesistant feker and decides he will trot along beside me. The speel ringing in my ears I stop and say, Ok I will sign up but on 2 conditions, 1, you give me your bank details and 2, you take my emo’s and send them out to help with this project. Chugger 5 is thinking, he asks me why I need his bank details so I respond by saying I can pass them on to chugger 6 who is eagerly awaiting my arrival on his part of the street. Bingo I get gold in the event as Chugger admits defeat. I do give to charity but I will not give anyone my bank details.

Little people, their chariots and parents – This is a two stage event, Part 1 is avoiding the 3 abreast pushchairs with dangly shopping bags, why they feel the need to do this I have no idea, I am doing well until child in buggy 3 throws his toy and they stop dead in front of me. Mum of child 3 let’s go of buggy to pick up toy and buggy 3 proceeds to tip backwards. So mad panic as child 3 is upside down and items from bags are making their way in various directions. I pick up a tin of beans which has stopped by my foot and have it swiftly snatched from me. I obviously look like I was about to walk off with it so I smile sweetly and say its quiet alright and head on to stage 2 of this event.

Little people a wandering – First I am hit by small child who runs into me, its ok he hasn’t fallen over so I move on to child 2 who is about to jump onto the road, ninja responses kick in and I stop him from running out into the road, yet again not a word of thanks. Child 3 then runs into me and lands on her bum which causes her to scream, I help her up and her Mother proceeds to look at me as if I am some kind of weirdo so now I’ve had enough and give this Mother a don’t fek with me look. she retreats with child. So in this event I think it’s a draw.

I’ll point out I haven’t actually made it into any of the shops yet but I see a gap and I’m gone at warp factor nine I dodge small people, oldies and yet more chuggers and I make it to WH Smiths.

Purchasing a card without extras – I dodge various bodies milling around and I’m at the card isle. Scanning takes place and I find the card but no envelope so my arms fling up and down, left and right until I find an envelope that fits, now to the tills. The tills are near the entrance and the route is lined with various obstacles and people. I dodge, weave hop from foot to foot and even a little skip gets thrown in and I’m there. Huge line of people waiting to pay so I hop dementedly from foot to foot looking like I need to wee. they close a till noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo its lunchtime what are you doing, I am doomed. So I wait and wait for my turn. My turn arrives, I have by now sorted the right amount out for the card in cash and I need to shift but wait I’m asked if I’d like a family sized bar of galaxy for a pound?, no thank you, a bottle of Scottish spring water for a pound?, nope, a bag of harribo’s for a pound, nooooo and finally I’m asked would I like first class stamps for my card. Now the woman has already examined my card and remarked its a nice cards she also knows it says husband on it, so I say no thank you I live with my husband so I don’t need any stamps take my card and stomp out.

Superdrug – Now I’m in here to buy some stuff to return emo’s hair to her natural colour. I head down the aisle towards the hair colour sign and I’m hit by a Max Factor rep who decides I fit her profile to try new products on. Now I try politely as possible to explain that I’m on my lunch and have to make one purchase in here and that’s it, my plea’s fall on deaf ears so I shout MOVE, this works and she steps aside and lets me past. I am now in the hair colour bit but there are 6 different products so I call Lou in the office as she is always doing things to her hair, problem solved. Box in hand I detour to avoid Max Factor Woman. Tills are empty but wait I’m done big time by a Dad and pushchair, noooo epic fail. So Dad is at the till and has only picked up 1 bag of baby wipes from a BOGF arrrghhhhhh noooooooooo please god help me, he is off wandering around because he can’t remember where he picked them up from. So I wait and wait until its my turn and I’m asked did I find everything I needed and say I don’t want stamps, the lady tells me they don’t sells stamps so I suggest they should and walk out, epic fail again.

Sainsbury’s – I need a newspaper having forgotten to pick one up in Smith’s, I also need bread as a loaf has disappeared overnight. This is a small Sainsbury’s one of those express or extra ones. Paper found and I’m in the bread isle. I’m examining bread when I’m reversed into by a man in a mobility scooter. Now my friend Dick and I have encountered this man on many of our lunchtime wobbles, he is quiet frankly a nuisance and is forever knocking displays over or just destroys the shop so I just turn and go the other way as he is now stuck and proceeds to knock everything over in his attempt to turn round. I go to pay and I stand with a foot in both the lines for self-service and serviced tills. I hit the self-service till’s and off I go but wait my loaf of bread isnt recognised and the till starts wailing for assistance. I wait an age and a man slowly ambles towards me and asks me what the problem is so I look at the till and say it thinks this loaf of bread is a bottle of wine, I cannot stop myself adding at this point, no I’m not Jesus. Ambling man taps away and hurrah we have a picture of bread so I’m done. I think this counts as a fail too.

So now I have a crossing to negotiate before I hit Gregg’s, I wait patently with the others waiting to cross, the line up is, Mum with buggy, me, a fellow office worker, a couple of youths and an old lady with a shopping trolley. Green man flashes and I’m like a racehorse gone….

I can see Gregg’s it’s in my sights but I’m stopped in my tracks by a tourist wanting directions. Now at what point do I look like a police man, a tour guide etc, I have no idea where the place is they are looking for because I just work here, I don’t live here so off I go again.

Gregg’s – By now the line is out of the door so I can’t see if they have what I’m after which is 2 tubs of their mini sausage rolls and a lemon muffin. So I wait patiently and its my turn, no mini sausage rolls or muffins, both sold out, Epic fail Dad will be soooo disappointed.

I head back to the office and I’m hit by more chuggers, little people, oldies a few Hare Krishna’s who wave their bells at me, they are lucky I am in a rush because those bells could end up somewhere extremely painful.

I am back in the safety of our office and our receptionists ask me if I’ve been shopping and did I have a nice lunch, bang slap me on the forehead I’ve forgotten to buy lunch. I stand there and weigh up the pros and cons of running the gauntlet again, check watch, 52 mins I’ve been gone and decide I’d rather starve. I drag my self back to my desk and one of my colleagues asks me what’s it like out on the high road, my reply, a feking war zone.

So I’m now back at my desk and I’m exhausted after all I’ve run a marathon, taken part in triple jump, run the 100 metres across the road, Slalomed along the pavement and skipped so now……..

Tissue Gate… War Is Declared

If my nicely washed clothes come out of Hugo one more time looking like this

I will NOT be held responsible for my actions.

Where in the ‘manual of wifedom’ or the ‘how to be a parent’ book does it say empty their pockets… NO FEKING WHERE. Actually I lie slightly I haven’t read any books on wifely duties nor parenting because quiet frankly most of them have been written by people with no common sense.

At what point does your family lose the ability, actually scrap that as I’m not sure they have the common sense to put their hands in their pockets and remove the items they shoved in there, clearly I don’t have enough to do and I am not a goddess of domesticdom.

So I am responsible for ruining many things which have been in pockets,

Return train tickets

Endless £10 and £5 and the odd £20, most of which dry out extremely well on the window sill

Wallet

Receipts

Bus pass

Passport

Homework

ID Card

Phone numbers

Tablets

Mobile phone

iPod

Directions

Prescriptions

For feks sake I’ve even found a cup in the washing machine once after it had been mistaken for the dishwasher

The list is endless

So back to my washing, I have a pair of black trousers that now look like they’ve been snowed on. Lint roller….scrap that, selotape…. scrap that, I havent got all day so back into Hugo they go.

Do I get a sorry Mum, do I fek but what I do get is, Mum you’ve washed my jeans, my bank card was in my pocket. So the clothes in the washing basket do not need washing, they are obviously there for another reason, perhaps this is just a stop-gap towards the bedroom floor or perhaps under the bed.

Next time this happens I will  either

Take a pair of scissors to their clothes

Chuck their clothes in the wheelie bin

Or just burn the fekin lot

Who’d A Thought It

So its our 12th wedding anniversary and as usual neither of us has booked anything so I take it upon myself to sort. I spend 4 hours on the Tuesday before our anniversary being Saturday trawling round websites trying to find something not too posh and not too much like a travel lodge. Sounds an easy task but it appears everyone is getting married on the same day we did so I’m now struggling eek.

I eventually find somewhere and the write ups are not too bad.

So we are booked in for one night stay at the Who’d a thought it in Grafty Green, Kent, http://www.whodathoughtit.com/   now the panic begins…..

Those of you with kids, work, animals or an elderly parent will know to get one night away is almost impossible. So me and Mr F decide to have Friday off work in the hope we can get everything done leaving Saturday clear to sort Dad out.

Mad panic cleaning, washing, ironing, filling the cupboards and so forth takes place and by Friday evening we are both knackered. Saturdays here and we head up to Dads to do the weekly decrumbing, cleaning and so forth. Dad meanwhile has decided he is going to cook himself Sunday dinner, probably a good idea or the emo’ s will just feed him pizza or curry….

By 1 o’clock I’ve fed the emo’s, given them a masshossive list of instructions, walked the dogs so just the last min packing to do. Now not sure about anyone else but for one night away  I have one small case with clothes and shoes in, an overnight bag with make up, toiletries, hair straighteners, blackberry, iPod, camera, kindle and Mr F has a rucksack containing his iPad, blackberry and goodness know what else…. Oh just one more bag that has the most important stuff in, tea bags, milk, sweeteners, bottle of wine, lemonade, orange juice and some croissants, you never know as they say.

Car packed and we are just about to leave when little emo announces she needs, not wants but needs my hair straighteners now. So blazing row about why she needs to use my hair straighteners when she shouldn’t have blown her’s up and so on. Little emo announces that I am such a selfish Mother as she cannot possibly go out with her hair in such a mess, now at this point I resist the urge to point out that straightening her hair isn’t going to make her look any better, her hair is now violet and she looks like this minus the glasses and wrinkles.

Why on earth anyone would want to dye their hair this colour, I have no idea why, needless to say she has been unsuccessful in finding a job during the summer holidays.

Anyway where was I, oh yes… so I now have the raving hump and stomp off to the car, great start to our romantic night away.

It takes us about an hour to get to Grafty Green, Mr F has decided to take the scenic route through the Kent countryside assuming the greenery and rolling hills will calm me down   Actually it was a bag of Harribo’s star mix that did it, I was quite aggressive with those damn fried eggs and as for the teddy bears, well ……..

We have arrived and its looks rather nice

We head inside and are immediately offered drinks on the terrace, oh why not eh… So there we are sipping drinks on the terrace when I hear a laugh that can only be described as sounding like mutley from Wacky Races. Me thinks this lady may have had too much champoo, some of the things she is saying are quiet rude. Her hubby disappears to the loo and while he’s gone she sits there and groans then sighs then a few arrhs, no idea why or whats causing her to make these noises but we are both relieved when her husband arrives back. Before he has sat down she announces she feels like a gooseberry… random.

So there we are sipping our drinks when 2 blonde girls go to leave, now the grunting lady has definitely had way too much champoo, at the top of her voice she says, I’m sure that hair on those WAGS isn’t real and neither is that tan. Both girls continue to walk on by and head to the car park. grunting lady is now craning her neck as she is desperate to see what cars they drive. First a silver Merc draws past the window goes down and the WAG proceeds to give the grunting lady the V sign, then a white Audi convertible stops and the WAG gets out and politely says to grunting lady, some people should be seen and not heard, in your case you shouldnt be seen or heard, she gets back in her car and drives off. Well I nearly choked on my drink, meanwhile grunting lady wasnt impressed and announces to her hubby its time they left.

The receptionist comes out and asks would we like to be shown our room now so off we toddle. I had booked the Ruinart room,

Contemporary room with Jacuzzi spa bath. 32″ flat screen TV, DVD, Freeview, Hi-Fi.

Includes half bottle of champagne and full continental breakfast.

In we go and the receptionists tells us that the leopard skin dressing gowns are to be used but mustn’t be taken away….oh my days I can’t look at Mr F because I wont be able to stop laughing ha-ha

In the fridge is a bottle of champagne and some chocs, Mr F opens it, I must have orange juice in mine or I will be drunk….

Time to try on the dressing gowns which happen to be extra-extra-large, so this is me… err please excuse the socks

Now time to try the jacuzzi bath, lots of bubbles in and eek……

So after much tom foolery and clearing up of bubbles we decide we really should go and eat.

We sit outside to have some pre dinner drinks and its a lovely evening. Mr’s ears prick up, he hears a Porche, that man is a nightmare and yep he is right a 911 with its roof down pulls into the car park closely followed by a battered old Toyota. Both cars stop the Toyota is parked behind some bushes while the 911 is parked in prime view. Out of the 911 hops a chap in his late 60′s with a young lady perhaps in her late 20′s, a similar couple come from behind the bushes where the Toyota is parked, I’m sure some people decide to co-ordinate on nights out, both men are wearing similar shirts, trousers and shoes, the lady’s both in long black dresses, sparkly sandals and D&G sungogs plonked on their heads. We end up on the table next to this lot, the chaps sit next to each other but the wives do not sit opposite their hubby’s, Mr F points out the footsie going on under the table…. Oh I say, from the conversation they are regulars at the restaurant and have eaten their way through the menu…..yawn fat gits

The dining – breakfast room

Our waitress for the evening can only be described as Amy Whinehouse lookalike and as if on cue the background music plays back to black, I have to give mr F a quick kick under the table to stop him giggling. At one point she arrives at the table next to us with a load of sticky tape stuck to her bum, now I’m not cruel so I point it out to her and then end up having to pull it off her skirt, bless her she didn’t even bother taking it with her ha-ha.

For starters I have a tomato and feta salad, while Mr F has mackerel, for mains I have a flat-iron steak with dauphinoise, buttered seasonal veg and asparagus while Mr F opts for rib-eye with onion rings and chunky chips. I’ve never seen such a huge pile of onion rings and by god they must have come from big onions they were masshoosive ha-ha

It was all rather nom so with full bellies we decide to head back to our room. Mr F had downloaded a film on his iPad, The fantastic Marigold Hotel which we decide to watch well I say that but I  can’t remember a thing as we were both soundo within 10 mins of it going on… That’s the thing with busy lives and nights away all you want to do is sleep so no bedroom action for us, sorry I know too much information!

Morning arrives and we opt for showers as I’m not clearing up a mountain of bubbles again.

Breakfast was superb and I’m rather taken with the tea cosy on my teapot

I want this tea cosy

I know its sad, I don’t get out much haha

So with heavy hearts we head back to Frazzle Towers and its a bomb site, I’ve only been away for 24 hours

I spend the rest of my afternoon with henry the hoover clearing up and have to say I’m exhausted so much for being relaxed. I have yet to watch ‘Boxer Cam’ which is a camera we had installed when my boxer Mollie was ill so I could log in remotely and check on her, comes in handy now to catch the emo’s out….I’m sure that will be the next post

So if anyone fancies a night away its a nice place to stay, the food is fantastic and its in the middle of nowhere, the rooms are themed, if you are feeling saucy the champagne and shoes room may just be for you……

It has  mirrors on the ceiling and a pole, will let you use your own imagination

I not sure Mr F would be any good at pole dancing so I didn’t bother booking it