1, They give you stretch marks
2, The little boogars throw tantrums
3, They spout the most stupid rubbish you’ve ever heard in your life
4, You don’t want to be a grandparent before you’re 30
5, You don’t have a money tree at the bottom of the garden
6, Your parents don’t want anymore children
7, You will never have any teaspoons
8, They will put you in a care home as soon as they can
9, You don’t want anyone else giving you the evils
10, You will have boobs like spaniels ears
Yes I know the list could be masshoosive
Commuters, commuting and moaning about it
Seasoned – those that do it day to day. Usually wearing a dark suit, leather bag or designer handbag and with blackberry glued to hand. Do not mess with these people, I am one of these and if you stand in my spot I will move you on. If you see a seasoned coming towards you at full pelt MOVE! They have sharp elbows and know how to use them.
Day trippers or tourists – If they happen to be Japanese just ignore or they will ask you to take a photo and you will be there for hours. If the tourists happen to have children then god help the parents is all I say, why on earth would anyone want to bring children into London during the rush hour? For those of you with pushchairs you can get a cheaper ticket if you travel after 9.30am. If you do have a pushchair then do not use it as a weapon, block isles or even worse push it out into the road as one day you will end up with a cyclist sat on your child.
Virgins - these are easily spotted as they shuffle nervously from foot to foot or just wander around with map in hand and usually upside down. Virgins take note when tube person states mind the gap it means that bit between the train and platform you know the one your foot falls down because you are not looking where you are going. If you lose your shoe in the gap you will be very unpopular, we want to get home and are not at all worried that you have lost your shoe. Keep your bags in front of you do not get them stuck in the tube door, you will be very unpopular once again.
If you think a woman is pregnant and would like a seat then ask her, don’t worry we all snigger when the reply comes back I am not pregnant
If you wear headphones and you break wind just because you can’t hear it doesn’t mean we didn’t, not nice so don’t do it
Men do not sit with your legs wide open causing the person next to you to be squashed, if you insist on doing so please change your trousers daily, on hot days there is a bit of a whiff so close your legs.
Deodorant is a wonderful thing, if you insist on shoving your armpit in someones face then at least have the decency to use deodorant
It is not acceptable to focus on cleavage or bottoms we know you are looking and take great pleasure in catching you at it
Do not eat crisps, have you heard yourself?
If you have eaten garlic the night before please have mints to hand, nothing worse than someone with garlic gob first thing in the morning
If you are drunk then be sick in the toilet
1, Swallow the pill don’t keep it between your knees, I still wonder if she was referring to my brothers the boys from hell
2, Always wear clean knickers, to this very day I still heed those words
3, One day you will feel sorry for me, that day came when my daughters turned into emo’s
4, Always smile but try not to look like the smiling assassin
5, Tomorrow is another day and with it will come more crap
Sensible woman my Mother