In the final….

Woohoo *doing cartwheels* well I would if my knee’s werent playing up!

A big fat MASSHOOSIVE thank you muchlies to everyone that keeps on voting for me.

The first 3 chapters of my book and synopsis are now avaliable for you to read and vote for (if you like the book)

DIARY OF A FRAZZLED MOTHER
By
Julia Frazzleby

Meet the Frazzleby’s

Mrs F, wife, mother, daughter, friend and general mug.
Mrs F is your average 44-year-old full-time working mother who has tracked the events of the last four years through a diary after giving up talking to the kitchen wall.
Some describe her as having a split personality
At home she has her head in the clouds, always running around after someone or something.
At work she is often described as ‘Marmite’, you either love her or hate her. She works in a male dominated environment and her male colleagues are convinced she has bigger balls than them.
Mr F is your typical 45-year-old bloke who has an obsession with sell by dates and suffers from extreme bouts of road rage. Mr F spends most of his time refereeing, rescuing Dad, removing hair dye from the bathroom walls and ceiling, staring googly-eyed at his alpacas and generally avoiding the neighbours.
Big Emo is 25, in the Armed Forces although manages to come home most weekends. When it comes to women he has the morals of a slug and considers anything over two dates as ‘in a relationship’ which he doesn’t want. Big Emo spends most of his time updating Mrs F by text as to where he is, what he is doing and who he is doing it with. Big Emo has an assortment of friends that treat Frazzle Towers as their second home much to the annoyance of Mr F.
Muggle Emo is 19, away at college, retaking her final year of A Levels. Of the 3 Emos she is the peace keeper unless you happen to mention the word ‘ginger’ and then all hell breaks out.
Lil’ Emo is 16 and has just started her first year of A Levels. Lil’ Emo wants to be a journalist although she isn’t very diplomatic and has the ability to start a fight in a different county. Lil’ Emo is obsessed with dying her hair and trying to convince Mrs F she should be allowed to get something other than her ears pierced.
Wants To Be A Vicar – boyfriend of Lil’ Emo and so named because he wants to be a vicar.
Dad is 85, recently widowed and lives 10 minutes from the Frazzleby’s. Recently diagnosed with dementia or in his words “I’ve got dimensions”. He often needs rescuing, gets lost on a regular basis and has a tendency to turn up for Sunday dinner on a Wednesday morning when everyone is out. Dad has Mr & Mrs F’s mobile numbers on speed dial and is not afraid to push the button….
Mrs Mop, the ageing cleaner, spends most of her time eating sweets and watching daytime TV with the Frazzleby dogs.
The Animals
Bruno the boxer dog is 7 and as mad as a box of frogs; he loves everyone and everything and has a severe drooling problem. He loves cheese and the vet but hates small dogs and Hector the cat.
Marge the British bulldog is 2, very bossy, lazy, snores like a pig, bottom burps and is often described as “fuggly”. Marge will do anything for food and hates going for a walk, cars and other dogs.
Hector the cat is 12 and spends most of his time fishing in the neighbours pond or winding Bruno and Marge up. Hector loves hair extensions and has an assortment of extensions belonging to Lil’ Emo hidden in his basket.
Alfie the horse is a 12-year-old bay gelding. Alfie likes the slower pace of life unless it’s on his terms and can turn into a bucking bronco at the drop of a hat. He loves doughnuts and swedes but hates donkeys, pigs, sheep, alpacas and people that whistle and has been known to throw swedes at anyone that whistles outside his stable.
Dumpling now renamed Houdini is an 18-year-old fat pony that the emos are now too big to ride. He can escape from anywhere and hates everyone and everything and only loves Alfie, much to the annoyance of Alfie.
Jock and Derek the alpacas, both of whom belong to Mr F and spend most of their time being moved away from Alfie, who hates alpacas. They love going for walks and hate dogs and Houdini.
Lucy the sheep spends most of her time being guarded by Jock and Derek and avoiding Alfie.
Dotty and Mabel, the pot-bellied pigs, spend most of their time wallowing in mud, chasing Houdini and generally getting in the way.
Family
SIL, who spends most of her day in the gym or playing golf and her evenings plotting career plans for her children also known as ‘practically perfect niece and nephew’
Practically perfect nephew, 18, currently studying A Level Maths and Physics; vegan and spends most of his time with his head in a book.
Practically perfect niece, 16, just started A Levels; wants to be a lawyer, is vegan and is allergic to everything.
Friends
Loon 1 and Loon 2 (Mrs F is referred to as Loon 3) All horse people, given the nicknames of the 3 Loons due to their antics, all will become clear later.
Lizzie is fun-loving and kind-hearted; blonde by name and by nature.
Eva, friend and co-worker; people describe Mrs F and Eva as a married couple because they bicker like one…
Anna, friend and co-worker; now works in a different office for the safety of others.
Mrs R, otherwise known as the boss and Twitter friend.
Mrs P, otherwise known as the shoe lady and Twitter friend.
Mrs S, otherwise known as the funny one and Twitter friend.
Mrs 2, the other bossy one and also a Twitter friend.
I’m from Exeter, slightly potty Twitter friend.

January 2012
Day 1
Dear Diary, Dear Book, Dear Wall
It’s a New Year and I have decided that I will make one resolution and that is to make a daily list and complete everything on it, so here goes today’s ‘to do list’.
Collect Mum
Find somewhere to put Mum
Dry cleaner run
Sort work clothes, bag etc. for tomorrow
Top up Lil’ Emo’s finger for school
Ring the vicar about Mum’s funeral
Take Dad’s shopping round
Write updates in Diary
Ask Loon 1 (number 1 horsey friend) to ‘do’ the animals tomorrow as it is first day back at work

Actually I am quite surprised, why haven’t I written lists before? No wonder I don’t get anything done.

Collecting Mum

If you have enjoyed reading this so far and would like to read the rest of the story, please click the link and vote for me, Julia Frazzleby.

Thank you muchlies http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Home for the holidays

Woo hoo I’m through to the next round so thank you, thank you and thank you muchly for continuing to vote every week for me

The words above just fill me with dread…..

Every year we have the same family arguments over who’s turn it is to have everyone for Christmas and please take note, when I say everyone I mean everyone which also happens to include Great Aunt Sal who is diabetic and wont go anywhere without her incontinent dog Freddie. Every year I lose, don’t ask me how I manage to end up cooking for 20 plus guests some of which I’m not even flipping related to.

3 years ago the arguments started as usual in October, no phone calls just random voice mails telling me who to expect, dietary requirements and a list of presents that are required.

Sat around the table one evening with Mr F and my 3 emo’s, (Big emo being the eldest, Muggle the middle one and Lil the youngest) (for those of you with pre teen children, emo is the technical term for children when they become adolescent) I decide to broach ‘Christmas with the family’. Sometimes I wish I would just shut my mouth, I really do…. The following comments were made,

“Mum, we all think you and Terrance the turkey are having an affair, nobody sets eyes on you for hours”
“Mum, we do love you but you turn into a neurotic, sprout obsessed colour-sergeant”
“I am not sitting next to Great Aunt Sal she smells of wee, breaks wind and blames it on Uncle Jack”
The list of comments went on and on, Big and Muggle emo’s threatened to go elsewhere if all and sundry were to descend upon us yet again.

With comments still ringing in my ears and the number of guests increasing I went to bed with a heavy heart.

3.00am I sit bolt upright in bed…”Oh my days I’ve got it” I shout at the top of my voice. I Julia Frazzleby have made a decision

If you have enjoyed reading this so far and would like to read the rest of the story, please click the link and vote for me, Julia Frazzleby. Thank you muchlies http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

This is London

Woo hoo I’m through to the next round so thank you, thank you and thank you muchly for continuing to vote every week for me

This week we had to write about London 2012, so here is my entry,

This is London

The eye’s of the world are staring at us, it is the summer of 2012 and the 30^th Olympiad has come to town.

As a nation we have spent the 7 years since winning the bid preparing, building, practising, more building, moaning and a few more practise runs thrown in for good measure to ensure we are ready. 

Our motto as a nation is ”be prepared” and prepared we blooming well would be.

This after all is Great Britain!

If you would like to continue reading please click the link below, newest edition and keep voting if you can as there is no limit to how many times you can vote

Julia Frazzleby at : http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

A big fat masshoosive thank you once again

Love Frazz

Round 2

I have got through to round 2 and its all down to you, so thank you very much

For round 2 we were asked to write something that was life changing. so I will apologise in advance for any tears that may be shed, I don’t usually write about sad stuff, I would much rather focus on the happy things in life.

So in advance

The post is up and here is the first few lines,

Bereavement is a very strange thing; some may think it’s life changing and other’s not. For me it was a huge smack in the face and something I don’t think I will ever really come to terms with.

My Mum was your typical Mother and to be honest I wasn’t really close to her until many years later. When I was younger I spent lots of time at the stables or would go to work with my Dad. From quite an early age I figured that my parents were perhaps a bit too tired when they got around to having me and from the age of about 10 I started to become independent and my constant thoughts were of how I couldn’t wait to make my own way and leave home, that’s exactly what I did as soon as I could. As the years went by I would call home, perhaps once a month and would visit infrequently, as I say we weren’t really a close family.

If you would like to continue reading please click the link below, newest edition and keep voting if you can as there is no limit to how many times you can vote

Julia Frazzleby at : http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

A big fat masshoosive thank you once again

A rather nervous wait

Firstly I wanted to say a big fat masshoosive

To everyone that has voted so far and especially to you, you and especially you.  :-)

I now have to wait until Sunday to see if I have enough votes to go through to the next round…eek

For round 2 we were asked to write something that was life changing. so I will apologise in advance for any tears that may be shed when the post goes up, I don’t usually write about sad stuff, I would much rather focus on the happy things in life.

So in advance

The posts should go up later today and I will let you all know.

In the meantime you can still vote for me, Julia Frazzleby at : http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Once again a huge thank you, you truly are a fabedoodle bunch.

Love Frazz xxx

Vote for me please :-)

Hi everyone

As you know a short while ago I took up blogging and I am rather surprised that I have been selected as one of the finalists for The Novelist.   The top prize is a publishing deal…woo hoo, eek, oh my days …haha…help!  ;-)

Right…. in order to get there I have to go through an X Factor style process subject to a weekly vote…book factor, thank god there is no singing involved as I cannot sing hahaha :-)

So if you would like to hear more about the randomness of life in general

Then please vote, the book is written in a Sue Townsend style (Adrian Mole) it’s about life, its ups and downs, the funny, sad and daft things that happen along the way
The competition starts,  Friday 16th November and is on Facebook,  iTunes and the web, links below, in the first week 6 will leave so please don’t let me be one of those first to go. You can vote as many tines as you like

You can find the novelist contest at

The app store: http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/the-novelist/id515308367?mt=8

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheNovelistCommunity

On the internet: http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Im the one in the hat, Julia Frazzleby…don’t ask that will be explained in the book

If I win then I promise you all a thank you in the book and to be honest the thank you list is masshoosive and is probably going to be longer than the book

PS all names have been changed to protect the innocent, harassed and any possible libel cases

PPS, I have no idea why it’s sponsored by the gay history project either

PPS, Please repost, share or retweet the links and help me on my way
Love Frazz

The emo years

Having just read a blog about life with children and the reality of what life is like the article only covered the early years obviously because her children are still young. So to those of you with pre emo children, make the most of it, these are the nice years, I say give me back the toddler days

Emo years start about the same time as they hit the teens and goes something like this

Preparation

Watch Kevin and Perry or Catherine Tates, am I bovvered

Knowledge

Forget the books, put the money into an account to replace the masshoosive amounts of things they will break, mobile phones, computers, hair dryers, house keys, beds oh the list is endless

Physic ability

Develop this skill, you will need to be physic and a mind reader or buy a crystal ball

Clothes

Forget style or anything that matches, don’t even think about buying them anything unless they are with you and if you decide to go shopping with them drink half a bottle of vodka and take a packet of prozac in preparation, you will need it

Going out

Give them at least a weeks notice then add a couple of days for good measure that way you may actually arrive on time.

Conversations

Anything more than a grunt  you should be worried. If is starts with Muuuuuum or Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad panic and if its starts with MILF run for the hills. Social media appears to be the most popular way with emo’s, failing that ring their friends parents as they know exactly what they are doing. Be prepared for other emo’s parents to contact you for updates on their emo’s and also inform you of the unfair things that you do as a parent of emo’s. Emo’s love everyone else’s parents, don’t take it personally.

If there is an emo emergency e.g no make up, no hair dye, no bag, hole in tights, no bread, no bubble bath, its raining, lost bus pass, lost keys and so on, be prepared to be hit with this emergency just as you are about to head out of the door for work, you will be expected to deal with this emergency now, everything else is not important!

Sarcasm

Is a natural trait and expect lots but be prepared for masshoosive sulks and strops when you as a parent use sarcasm, apparently it’s not funny for a parent to use sarcasm however its hysterical for an emo to be sarcastic

Food

Whatever you’ve made they wont want it. expect lots of rummaging in the fridge, freezer and cupboards amongst a chorus of grunts and sighs. Do not be offended when emo’s go to other emo’s houses and tell their parents you don’t buy food or they havent eaten for a week. If they do attempt to make food expect them to make 3 times the quantity required and for most of it to go in the bin.

Eating out

It doesn’t matter where you pick it will be wrong and they wont like anything on the menu. If you do happen to ask where they would like to go they will grunt they went there last week with XYZ as obviously you don’t feed them or buy food.

Night time

Dont expect emo’s to spend quality time with the family well unless its someone else’s family. Expect to see them when they want to watch X Factor, Doctor Who or The Big Bang Theory. Expect bedroom lights to be on for most of the night as this is the time they are most active.

Cars

Dont expect conversation as they are glued to the phone and conversation interrupts their thought process. Expect emos to hide if they see other emo’s and do not expect any gratitude. Depending on how many emo’s are in the car expect to hear music blaring from headphones and when emo’s leave the car just expect the door to be slammed.

Going for a walk

Haha don’t make me laugh

Grocery shopping

Expect your bill to be double triple as crap gets thrown in the trolley well that’s if you can find it as the emo’s will be dashing around on it like it’s a scooter. Dont expect any help with packing or unpacking the shopping and expect lots of ‘there is nothing to eat’.

Mess

Emo’s thrive on mess,  apparently organised chaos is acceptable which means a foot deep pile of clothes on the bedroom floor, towels dumped on the bathroom floor, empty bottles put back in cupboards and crisp packets shoved behind cushions

Hygiene

If you don’t have two bathrooms then move house NOW. Expect the emo’s to spend on average 3 – 4 hours in the bath constantly topping up the hot water so if you have a water meter take a hammer to it.

Sleepless nights

Oh you think the days of those are over? Well let me tell you they are not….It doesnt matter if you have a NO opposite sex overnight guests policy male emo’s ignore it. So the 2 am squeals are replaced by squeals of another kind. You just want to hope the beer goggles havent been on and a masshoosive minger greets you first thing or even worse he has been out on grab a granny night!

Holidays

If you take companions for emo’s don’t expect to see them unless they need money or its time to go home. If emo’s are companionless expect fights, being bored all the time despite arranging their favourite pastimes, they will not be happy until they have made new friends and can dump you, again don’t expect to see them unless it’s for money or its time to head home. When its time to head home expect lots of sulking and emo’s to wander off at every opportunity and in extreme cases try to board the wrong plane.

Emo sayings

The following are all normal daily sayings

It’s not fair

Can you get…..

Can you pick me up

Can you take me……

Can I have…….

Im at ……

I don’t want food

I’ve only been in here for an hour

Everyone does it

YOLO or whatever the saying of the week is

XYZ Mum lets…..

You are not funny

Expect every other emo’s house to be nicer, have a nicer car, nicer pets, better holidays, thinner, fatter, younger or older parents, or they do more with them, have no boundaries or no chores to do, in fact no matter what you do you will only be the best, hip and coolest parents to an emo that isn’t yours.

No matter what happens to your emo it will always be YOUR fault.

So enjoy the early years at least you know where they are, what they eat, who they are with and the art of conversation isn’t dead

Hello its Rob from Fix my Rim……

Those of you that know me will know I am absolutely fanatical, besotted whatever you want to call it about my car and in particular my alloys. My car is the one thing that’s mine, it wont fit in all three emo’s thank god, I don’t have to share it, If it gets mucky its down to me and I can play what I want at the volume I want. Yes I know it’s a lump of metal.

Its 2 years old now and coming up for its first service so I call the dealer and book it in. The day comes and off Zelda goes, yes everything mechanical has a name in this house……. Zelda is brought back to me serviced and washed well I say washed they had washed everything apart from her wheels and bum. At the time I didn’t think it was odd they had forgotten to wash her wheels until the next day when I was talking to Dick in the works car park and she points out there is a lump missing out of my alloys.

The lump

Yes I know it’s not a huge lump that’s not the point, someone has curbed my car and I wasnt a happy bunny.

I call the dealership and fair play they agreed it was their fault and would get it repaired. The firm they use is local to me so I was asked if they could give them my number rather than me taking it back to the dealership etc and was told they would call me back once they had spoken to them.

On the way home I got a call from the dealership before anyone says mobile phones and cars,  Its fitted with bluetooth so hands free. I answer the call and its the dealership who tell me they have given my details to the company and they would be in touch. I am told that the chaps name is Rob and the company is called fix my rim…..well I have a mind of a teenager and thinking my hearing aids were not working properly so I ask him to repeat the company name to which the response again is fix my rim. At this point I am now sat in traffic and am laughing and clapping so much that I sound like a seal, the poor bloke on the other end thinks I am ill and keeps asking me if he can call someone, the more he says this the more I laugh. Those sat in their cars next to me must have thought I was a Nutter as by now no noise is coming out of my mouth but I am still clapping whilst rocking with tears streaming down my face and the poor man still keeps asking me if im ok. I manage to compose myself long enough to say I am fine and hang up.

I don’t know about you but when these things happen I always have to ring someone to relay the hysterics so I call Mr F and manage to say I’ve had a call from fix and that was it I am off again and cannot speak and the seal impression begins again, Mr F just hangs up, I think he is used to me by now. I am slightly put out he hung up so I call Dick to tell her instead and go through the same process again but eventually relay the story, by now Dick has googled fix my rim and there is hysterical laughter coming from the office. So now I am not the only one that sounds like a seal….

A couple of days later we were on our way to Dads and my mobile rings, I answer the call and the voice says Hello its Rob from fix my rim, well I am off again and cannot stop, poor man. Rob tells me that he will come over on Thursday and will text me to confirm that morning meanwhile im still snorting with hysterics.

The day comes and I have to take Dad for a blood test so I am sat in the surgery with him when my mobile goes, I’ve saved his number and so its says I have a text from fix my rim and I am off again, everyone in the surgery is looking at me and I can’t stop laughing. Fix my rim will be with me in 30 mins. I am praying his van isn’t sign written because I will probably wet myself laughing……….

Rob arrives in a plain van and fair play does a fabulous job of repairing my wheel. Before he leaves he gives me his card and before I can look at it he says no laughing. Panic I can’t look at it because I know its going to have some reference to the company name…god help me. Off he goes and sure enough the card does and yes I am off again laughing so hard that no noise comes out.

Why is it that a 43-year-old woman finds fix my rim hysterical and cannot stop laughing every time it’s mentioned, I have no idea but it made my week and thank you Mini for curbing my wheel, oh my days I have not laughed so much in ages.

 

A rather dissapointing affair

Continuing with the picture theme about my recent work appraisal

So the day came and I had

And

Because I

And I have been working

And I am the

But but despite all this I am

And I am told I come across as I

My boss has turned into a

And starts

And expects miracles however

But I’m told I’ve

And suddenly remember he has started profile stalking me on

And

Perhaps I need to protect myself

But then I notice he is wearing

And

Finished off with

I’m like

And cannot contain myself any longer

And again I’m like

You really have

And think

Needless to say I think my days are numbered

But he has shown his

And should never

And remember

So

I am ready for battle

And put up a fight

Well that’s if I can stop

Lets see what next week brings

My week at work

Rather than try to type my frustrations I have decided my blog will be in pictures…

There have been a few of these moments

Followed by thoughts of

And

So my word of the week has been

Because I want to do this

But do this instead

Because

And

So I look like this

So I’ve drunk loads of this

But it hasn’t

So I’ve done lots of this

Because

And I am reminded that

And someone suggests I read this

Which makes me think

And I find I keep wanting to

But  I must

but all too soon I will be back to this

Because

There I’ve said it now