I am addicted and I know it……….

To what I hear you ask?

Sparkly things?….No

Shoes?…..No

Handbags?……No

Clothes?……No

HOOVERS, yes I did say hoovers!

I currently have 9 in my collection ranging from,

Dyson upright, Dyson cylinder pet, Vax, Hoover Cylinder, Henry, Bissell, Miele, Black & Decker garden vac and my latest addition is a Black & Decker hand held dust buster called Horace, yes they all do have names!

Yesterday Mr F announced he was pulling the kitchen apart to fit a masshoosive fridge he had purchased. These words went straight over my head, I do not care because I was going hoover shopping, do what you will……..

Horace has been purchased purely for the stairs being that we have 26 stairs in our house and the traffic up and down them, 2 adults, 3 Emos + guests, 2 dogs, 1 cat and the occasional oap create nothing but dust!

Before any of you start shouting bejeezus the woman’s gone mad there are lots of things you can do with a hoover other than clean carpets, floors and stairs!

1, Board games, when things get tense be it a kids or adult/emo game, whip the hoover out and suck the flipping lot up, there argument over and problem solved.

2, Haircuts, hover with the nozzle strategically placed to catch all the hair.

3, Pets, great for grooming horses, dogs, cats and depending which one you use they get a massage too.

4, Snow, no more scraping the car or drive, get the Vax out for this job, snow, what snow?

5, Hedge trimmings, get the garden vac out and hoover those bushes

6, Awakening of the emo’s, just hoover their heads.

7, Oap’s who make a mess can easily be de crumbed without moving them

The list of uses for a hoover Is endless.

Okay so I maybe slightly odd but I am not hurting anyone, am I?

In the final….

Woohoo *doing cartwheels* well I would if my knee’s werent playing up!

A big fat MASSHOOSIVE thank you muchlies to everyone that keeps on voting for me.

The first 3 chapters of my book and synopsis are now avaliable for you to read and vote for (if you like the book)

DIARY OF A FRAZZLED MOTHER
By
Julia Frazzleby

Meet the Frazzleby’s

Mrs F, wife, mother, daughter, friend and general mug.
Mrs F is your average 44-year-old full-time working mother who has tracked the events of the last four years through a diary after giving up talking to the kitchen wall.
Some describe her as having a split personality
At home she has her head in the clouds, always running around after someone or something.
At work she is often described as ‘Marmite’, you either love her or hate her. She works in a male dominated environment and her male colleagues are convinced she has bigger balls than them.
Mr F is your typical 45-year-old bloke who has an obsession with sell by dates and suffers from extreme bouts of road rage. Mr F spends most of his time refereeing, rescuing Dad, removing hair dye from the bathroom walls and ceiling, staring googly-eyed at his alpacas and generally avoiding the neighbours.
Big Emo is 25, in the Armed Forces although manages to come home most weekends. When it comes to women he has the morals of a slug and considers anything over two dates as ‘in a relationship’ which he doesn’t want. Big Emo spends most of his time updating Mrs F by text as to where he is, what he is doing and who he is doing it with. Big Emo has an assortment of friends that treat Frazzle Towers as their second home much to the annoyance of Mr F.
Muggle Emo is 19, away at college, retaking her final year of A Levels. Of the 3 Emos she is the peace keeper unless you happen to mention the word ‘ginger’ and then all hell breaks out.
Lil’ Emo is 16 and has just started her first year of A Levels. Lil’ Emo wants to be a journalist although she isn’t very diplomatic and has the ability to start a fight in a different county. Lil’ Emo is obsessed with dying her hair and trying to convince Mrs F she should be allowed to get something other than her ears pierced.
Wants To Be A Vicar – boyfriend of Lil’ Emo and so named because he wants to be a vicar.
Dad is 85, recently widowed and lives 10 minutes from the Frazzleby’s. Recently diagnosed with dementia or in his words “I’ve got dimensions”. He often needs rescuing, gets lost on a regular basis and has a tendency to turn up for Sunday dinner on a Wednesday morning when everyone is out. Dad has Mr & Mrs F’s mobile numbers on speed dial and is not afraid to push the button….
Mrs Mop, the ageing cleaner, spends most of her time eating sweets and watching daytime TV with the Frazzleby dogs.
The Animals
Bruno the boxer dog is 7 and as mad as a box of frogs; he loves everyone and everything and has a severe drooling problem. He loves cheese and the vet but hates small dogs and Hector the cat.
Marge the British bulldog is 2, very bossy, lazy, snores like a pig, bottom burps and is often described as “fuggly”. Marge will do anything for food and hates going for a walk, cars and other dogs.
Hector the cat is 12 and spends most of his time fishing in the neighbours pond or winding Bruno and Marge up. Hector loves hair extensions and has an assortment of extensions belonging to Lil’ Emo hidden in his basket.
Alfie the horse is a 12-year-old bay gelding. Alfie likes the slower pace of life unless it’s on his terms and can turn into a bucking bronco at the drop of a hat. He loves doughnuts and swedes but hates donkeys, pigs, sheep, alpacas and people that whistle and has been known to throw swedes at anyone that whistles outside his stable.
Dumpling now renamed Houdini is an 18-year-old fat pony that the emos are now too big to ride. He can escape from anywhere and hates everyone and everything and only loves Alfie, much to the annoyance of Alfie.
Jock and Derek the alpacas, both of whom belong to Mr F and spend most of their time being moved away from Alfie, who hates alpacas. They love going for walks and hate dogs and Houdini.
Lucy the sheep spends most of her time being guarded by Jock and Derek and avoiding Alfie.
Dotty and Mabel, the pot-bellied pigs, spend most of their time wallowing in mud, chasing Houdini and generally getting in the way.
Family
SIL, who spends most of her day in the gym or playing golf and her evenings plotting career plans for her children also known as ‘practically perfect niece and nephew’
Practically perfect nephew, 18, currently studying A Level Maths and Physics; vegan and spends most of his time with his head in a book.
Practically perfect niece, 16, just started A Levels; wants to be a lawyer, is vegan and is allergic to everything.
Friends
Loon 1 and Loon 2 (Mrs F is referred to as Loon 3) All horse people, given the nicknames of the 3 Loons due to their antics, all will become clear later.
Lizzie is fun-loving and kind-hearted; blonde by name and by nature.
Eva, friend and co-worker; people describe Mrs F and Eva as a married couple because they bicker like one…
Anna, friend and co-worker; now works in a different office for the safety of others.
Mrs R, otherwise known as the boss and Twitter friend.
Mrs P, otherwise known as the shoe lady and Twitter friend.
Mrs S, otherwise known as the funny one and Twitter friend.
Mrs 2, the other bossy one and also a Twitter friend.
I’m from Exeter, slightly potty Twitter friend.

January 2012
Day 1
Dear Diary, Dear Book, Dear Wall
It’s a New Year and I have decided that I will make one resolution and that is to make a daily list and complete everything on it, so here goes today’s ‘to do list’.
Collect Mum
Find somewhere to put Mum
Dry cleaner run
Sort work clothes, bag etc. for tomorrow
Top up Lil’ Emo’s finger for school
Ring the vicar about Mum’s funeral
Take Dad’s shopping round
Write updates in Diary
Ask Loon 1 (number 1 horsey friend) to ‘do’ the animals tomorrow as it is first day back at work

Actually I am quite surprised, why haven’t I written lists before? No wonder I don’t get anything done.

Collecting Mum

If you have enjoyed reading this so far and would like to read the rest of the story, please click the link and vote for me, Julia Frazzleby.

Thank you muchlies http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

The Final Three

Well who’d a thought it, I am in the final 3, it should be the final 2 but not sure why but there are 3 of us left.

This week my story is about snow, our obsession and the random behaviour it cases, I hope you enjoy and thank you so very much for all the votes. If I get through to the next round you will be able to read a few chapters of my book

Snow Gate

Recently the UK has been hit by ‘the snow’, I call it ‘the snow’ as it turns everyday folk into the weirdest people ever….me included.

I remember as a child in the late 70′s things being completely different. We had what the old folk’s call, proper snow, proper snow being the term for anything deeper than 4ft . We were snowed in for days, did we panic?, no we just got on with life. As a 7-year-old and out on a walk with my brothers I happened to stand on some proper snow and immediately disappeared down a hole much to their delight.

To me snow is snow, its white, wet, cold and needs to fall elsewhere. So with the forecaster telling us we are due for snow what happens next can only be described as random behaviour of the most superb kind.

We now as a country have a of set of ‘snow rules’ the first rule,

Overreact…

If you have enjoyed reading this so far and would like to read the rest of the story, please click the link and vote for me, Julia Frazzleby.

Thank you muchlies http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Dignity

Well what can I say apart from a masshoosive thank you to everyone that continues to vote for me, I really am very grateful and thanks again so very much to you, you and especially you with RSI I am through to the next round.

So here is the next story,

Jenny had always wanted to be a nurse ever since she watched the 1970′s weekly television series Angels.

Angels had inspired Jenny, it tackled issues such as contraception, alcoholism and care of the elderly.
Throughout her school years Jenny studied hard, she turned down the party requests and she knew exactly what grades she needed to be accepted on to the State Registered Nursing programme and no matter what happened Jenny was going to be a nurse and make a difference.
In the late 1980′s Jenny obtained the grades needed and embarked on a 3 year course to become a SRN. During her training Jenny was given a variety of placements one of which would serve her so very well in the years to come.

After qualifying Jenny specialised in A&E and worked there until having children when she found that she needed to find a post that fitted in with family life, she needed to work but also needed to be around more for her children. Thumbing through the local paper Jenny saw an advert which read, SRN’s wanted for local District Nursing Unit, days or evening shifts available. Without any hesitation Jenny applied and duly forgot her application until a letter arrived inviting her for an interview the following week.
The day of the interview arrived and Jenny was a bag of nerves, she wanted this job and couldn’t think of anything better than providing care for people in their own homes.
Jenny was composed and calm throughout the interview but inside she was a bag of nerves and knew the wait would be unbearable.
Three days later Jenny got the call she was waiting for, the stern voice of Sister Mainland announcing she had been successful in her application.
Over the years Jenny became a popular member of both the team and her patients, her favourites were the elderly. Jenny was a strong believer in choice and strove to ensure those that need assistance and wanted to stay with in their own homes were able to do so. Many obstacle’s came Jenny’s way be it in Management, other care providers or relatives.
As the years past Jenny was promoted and eventually she was made Sister and placed in charge of both the day and twilight district nurses. Jenny however now realised her mistake, no longer did she have time to pop and see her regulars, these were now visited by other nurses, Jenny was now stuck behind a desk and a mountain of paperwork. Each day became more and more mundane, reports, statistic, more reports and endless meetings, no longer did she have the patient contact she loved.
After a year at Management level Jenny decided enough was enough, no longer did she feel that she made a difference and handed in her notice for pastures new.

If you have enjoyed reading this so far and would like to read the rest of the story, please click the link and vote for me, Julia Frazzleby. 2 leave the competition on Friday leaving the final 2 for a show down…..

Thank you muchlies http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Home for the holidays

Woo hoo I’m through to the next round so thank you, thank you and thank you muchly for continuing to vote every week for me

The words above just fill me with dread…..

Every year we have the same family arguments over who’s turn it is to have everyone for Christmas and please take note, when I say everyone I mean everyone which also happens to include Great Aunt Sal who is diabetic and wont go anywhere without her incontinent dog Freddie. Every year I lose, don’t ask me how I manage to end up cooking for 20 plus guests some of which I’m not even flipping related to.

3 years ago the arguments started as usual in October, no phone calls just random voice mails telling me who to expect, dietary requirements and a list of presents that are required.

Sat around the table one evening with Mr F and my 3 emo’s, (Big emo being the eldest, Muggle the middle one and Lil the youngest) (for those of you with pre teen children, emo is the technical term for children when they become adolescent) I decide to broach ‘Christmas with the family’. Sometimes I wish I would just shut my mouth, I really do…. The following comments were made,

“Mum, we all think you and Terrance the turkey are having an affair, nobody sets eyes on you for hours”
“Mum, we do love you but you turn into a neurotic, sprout obsessed colour-sergeant”
“I am not sitting next to Great Aunt Sal she smells of wee, breaks wind and blames it on Uncle Jack”
The list of comments went on and on, Big and Muggle emo’s threatened to go elsewhere if all and sundry were to descend upon us yet again.

With comments still ringing in my ears and the number of guests increasing I went to bed with a heavy heart.

3.00am I sit bolt upright in bed…”Oh my days I’ve got it” I shout at the top of my voice. I Julia Frazzleby have made a decision

If you have enjoyed reading this so far and would like to read the rest of the story, please click the link and vote for me, Julia Frazzleby. Thank you muchlies http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

This is London

Woo hoo I’m through to the next round so thank you, thank you and thank you muchly for continuing to vote every week for me

This week we had to write about London 2012, so here is my entry,

This is London

The eye’s of the world are staring at us, it is the summer of 2012 and the 30^th Olympiad has come to town.

As a nation we have spent the 7 years since winning the bid preparing, building, practising, more building, moaning and a few more practise runs thrown in for good measure to ensure we are ready. 

Our motto as a nation is ”be prepared” and prepared we blooming well would be.

This after all is Great Britain!

If you would like to continue reading please click the link below, newest edition and keep voting if you can as there is no limit to how many times you can vote

Julia Frazzleby at : http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

A big fat masshoosive thank you once again

Love Frazz

Round Three – The Park Bench

I have got through to round 3 and its all down to you, so thank you very much

For our second assignment I was given 4 pictures and was asked to write a short story around one of the pictures. The picture I chose was that of a bench firmly nestled away under a large weeping willow tree in a corner of a park.

The Park Bench

I am a bench nestled in a corner of a park in central in London. I was created from wood and have a brass plate attached to my top slat which reads, In Loving Memory of Arthur R.I.P, sadly he passed away in 1996. The plaque has aged over the years, the bronze now dirty and tainted by the pollution in the air.

My feet are sunk firmly into the grass and I have been positioned under a large weeping willow tree. I am slightly worn, the teak oil applied in the early spring has now faded leaving me a dulish grey brown.

Over the years many young couples have carved their initials within my slats with a heart lovingly carved around them, although they are all now faded they still remain.

I am the keeper of many secrets, some that are sad and some that are happy, I act as a haven for those that need solitude, rest or to play.

My visitors are many, some that visit frequently and others that just pass by taking a moment to sit under the willow and daydream.

Occasionally I have a night visitor and one in particular is a regular, the park keepers turning a blind eye.

John looks like an old man when in fact he is 25, his clothes are ragged and dirty, he has few possessions in the world which he keeps in a tatty rucksack. John carries the weight of the world on his shoulders,

If you would like to continue reading please click the link below, newest edition and keep voting if you can as there is no limit to how many times you can vote

Julia Frazzleby at : http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

A big fat masshoosive thank you once again

Love Frazz

A rather nervous wait

Firstly I wanted to say a big fat masshoosive

To everyone that has voted so far and especially to you, you and especially you.  :-)

I now have to wait until Sunday to see if I have enough votes to go through to the next round…eek

For round 2 we were asked to write something that was life changing. so I will apologise in advance for any tears that may be shed when the post goes up, I don’t usually write about sad stuff, I would much rather focus on the happy things in life.

So in advance

The posts should go up later today and I will let you all know.

In the meantime you can still vote for me, Julia Frazzleby at : http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Once again a huge thank you, you truly are a fabedoodle bunch.

Love Frazz xxx

Vote for me please :-)

Hi everyone

As you know a short while ago I took up blogging and I am rather surprised that I have been selected as one of the finalists for The Novelist.   The top prize is a publishing deal…woo hoo, eek, oh my days …haha…help!  ;-)

Right…. in order to get there I have to go through an X Factor style process subject to a weekly vote…book factor, thank god there is no singing involved as I cannot sing hahaha :-)

So if you would like to hear more about the randomness of life in general

Then please vote, the book is written in a Sue Townsend style (Adrian Mole) it’s about life, its ups and downs, the funny, sad and daft things that happen along the way
The competition starts,  Friday 16th November and is on Facebook,  iTunes and the web, links below, in the first week 6 will leave so please don’t let me be one of those first to go. You can vote as many tines as you like

You can find the novelist contest at

The app store: http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/the-novelist/id515308367?mt=8

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheNovelistCommunity

On the internet: http://tinyurl.com/c2g5cs3

Im the one in the hat, Julia Frazzleby…don’t ask that will be explained in the book

If I win then I promise you all a thank you in the book and to be honest the thank you list is masshoosive and is probably going to be longer than the book

PS all names have been changed to protect the innocent, harassed and any possible libel cases

PPS, I have no idea why it’s sponsored by the gay history project either

PPS, Please repost, share or retweet the links and help me on my way
Love Frazz

The emo years

Having just read a blog about life with children and the reality of what life is like the article only covered the early years obviously because her children are still young. So to those of you with pre emo children, make the most of it, these are the nice years, I say give me back the toddler days

Emo years start about the same time as they hit the teens and goes something like this

Preparation

Watch Kevin and Perry or Catherine Tates, am I bovvered

Knowledge

Forget the books, put the money into an account to replace the masshoosive amounts of things they will break, mobile phones, computers, hair dryers, house keys, beds oh the list is endless

Physic ability

Develop this skill, you will need to be physic and a mind reader or buy a crystal ball

Clothes

Forget style or anything that matches, don’t even think about buying them anything unless they are with you and if you decide to go shopping with them drink half a bottle of vodka and take a packet of prozac in preparation, you will need it

Going out

Give them at least a weeks notice then add a couple of days for good measure that way you may actually arrive on time.

Conversations

Anything more than a grunt  you should be worried. If is starts with Muuuuuum or Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad panic and if its starts with MILF run for the hills. Social media appears to be the most popular way with emo’s, failing that ring their friends parents as they know exactly what they are doing. Be prepared for other emo’s parents to contact you for updates on their emo’s and also inform you of the unfair things that you do as a parent of emo’s. Emo’s love everyone else’s parents, don’t take it personally.

If there is an emo emergency e.g no make up, no hair dye, no bag, hole in tights, no bread, no bubble bath, its raining, lost bus pass, lost keys and so on, be prepared to be hit with this emergency just as you are about to head out of the door for work, you will be expected to deal with this emergency now, everything else is not important!

Sarcasm

Is a natural trait and expect lots but be prepared for masshoosive sulks and strops when you as a parent use sarcasm, apparently it’s not funny for a parent to use sarcasm however its hysterical for an emo to be sarcastic

Food

Whatever you’ve made they wont want it. expect lots of rummaging in the fridge, freezer and cupboards amongst a chorus of grunts and sighs. Do not be offended when emo’s go to other emo’s houses and tell their parents you don’t buy food or they havent eaten for a week. If they do attempt to make food expect them to make 3 times the quantity required and for most of it to go in the bin.

Eating out

It doesn’t matter where you pick it will be wrong and they wont like anything on the menu. If you do happen to ask where they would like to go they will grunt they went there last week with XYZ as obviously you don’t feed them or buy food.

Night time

Dont expect emo’s to spend quality time with the family well unless its someone else’s family. Expect to see them when they want to watch X Factor, Doctor Who or The Big Bang Theory. Expect bedroom lights to be on for most of the night as this is the time they are most active.

Cars

Dont expect conversation as they are glued to the phone and conversation interrupts their thought process. Expect emos to hide if they see other emo’s and do not expect any gratitude. Depending on how many emo’s are in the car expect to hear music blaring from headphones and when emo’s leave the car just expect the door to be slammed.

Going for a walk

Haha don’t make me laugh

Grocery shopping

Expect your bill to be double triple as crap gets thrown in the trolley well that’s if you can find it as the emo’s will be dashing around on it like it’s a scooter. Dont expect any help with packing or unpacking the shopping and expect lots of ‘there is nothing to eat’.

Mess

Emo’s thrive on mess,  apparently organised chaos is acceptable which means a foot deep pile of clothes on the bedroom floor, towels dumped on the bathroom floor, empty bottles put back in cupboards and crisp packets shoved behind cushions

Hygiene

If you don’t have two bathrooms then move house NOW. Expect the emo’s to spend on average 3 – 4 hours in the bath constantly topping up the hot water so if you have a water meter take a hammer to it.

Sleepless nights

Oh you think the days of those are over? Well let me tell you they are not….It doesnt matter if you have a NO opposite sex overnight guests policy male emo’s ignore it. So the 2 am squeals are replaced by squeals of another kind. You just want to hope the beer goggles havent been on and a masshoosive minger greets you first thing or even worse he has been out on grab a granny night!

Holidays

If you take companions for emo’s don’t expect to see them unless they need money or its time to go home. If emo’s are companionless expect fights, being bored all the time despite arranging their favourite pastimes, they will not be happy until they have made new friends and can dump you, again don’t expect to see them unless it’s for money or its time to head home. When its time to head home expect lots of sulking and emo’s to wander off at every opportunity and in extreme cases try to board the wrong plane.

Emo sayings

The following are all normal daily sayings

It’s not fair

Can you get…..

Can you pick me up

Can you take me……

Can I have…….

Im at ……

I don’t want food

I’ve only been in here for an hour

Everyone does it

YOLO or whatever the saying of the week is

XYZ Mum lets…..

You are not funny

Expect every other emo’s house to be nicer, have a nicer car, nicer pets, better holidays, thinner, fatter, younger or older parents, or they do more with them, have no boundaries or no chores to do, in fact no matter what you do you will only be the best, hip and coolest parents to an emo that isn’t yours.

No matter what happens to your emo it will always be YOUR fault.

So enjoy the early years at least you know where they are, what they eat, who they are with and the art of conversation isn’t dead