Life really does go backwards at 40

Things that annoy me

Family – Home

Bin etiquette, am I the only person that knows how to empty a bin and since the introduction of recycling I change that too, am I the only person that knows how to empty the bins.

Teaspoons, there is a teaspoon thief in my house who will not admit to either hiding them or chucking them in the bin, own up

Dishwasher, great invention if only they had invented a gadget that can fill it up and empty it, will say no more

Empty bottles, why put them back in the cupboard when they are empty, doh silly me I forgot you don’t know how to empty the bin so will assume bin is full hence the empty bottle back in the cupboard

Bath, how can any teenager spend a minimum of 2 hours in the bath every day, I look like a wrinkly prune after 15 minutes so it’s no wonder you look like you’ve used a trowel to apply makeup

Washing machine, it lives on a diet of socks, why no idea but it’s a common fact

Phone, it disappears upstairs and by the time you’ve found its stopped ringing. Bring it back or use your mobile

Cooking, Mum what’s for tea, pasta, don’t want pasta. Why ask when 9 times out of 10 you don’t want what’s on offer. I am not running a café therefore eat it or you could always try looking in the freezer. This brings further challenges, I will need to check the freezer door is shut once they’ve rummaged around and the mess that will be left after attempting to cook the most simplistic food ever will be catastrophic

Pets, never ever let emo’s have pets, they are incapable of looking after them. I have an array of pets which I am now responsible for. When emo’s bring friends round said animals are introduced as their pets, really…..

Cars, it is not a mobile skip nor am I a taxi driver and NO you cannot borrow it

Music, if you turn it down you won’t need to sing so loudly, correction screech so loudly

Doorbell, when it rings it means someone’s is pressing the button and that someone is usually for you, December 2011 was the last time it was for me

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Commuters and commuting

Commuters, commuting and moaning about it

Seasoned – those that do it day to day. Usually wearing a dark suit, leather bag or designer handbag and with blackberry glued to hand. Do not mess with these people, I am one of these and if you stand in my spot I will move you on. If you see a seasoned coming towards you at full pelt MOVE! They have sharp elbows and know how to use them.
Day trippers or tourists – If they happen to be Japanese just ignore or they will ask you to take a photo and you will be there for hours. If the tourists happen to have children then god help the parents is all I say, why on earth would anyone want to bring children into London during the rush hour? For those of you with pushchairs you can get a cheaper ticket if you travel after 9.30am. If you do have a pushchair then do not use it as a weapon, block isles or even worse push it out into the road as one day you will end up with a cyclist sat on your child.
Virgins – these are easily spotted as they shuffle nervously from foot to foot or just wander around with map in hand and usually upside down. Virgins take note when tube person states mind the gap it means that bit between the train and platform you know the one your foot falls down because you are not looking where you are going. If you lose your shoe in the gap you will be very unpopular, we want to get home and are not at all worried that you have lost your shoe. Keep your bags in front of you do not get them stuck in the tube door, you will be very unpopular once again.
General etiquette

If you think a woman is pregnant and would like a seat then ask her, don’t worry we all snigger when the reply comes back I am not pregnant
If you wear headphones and you break wind just because you can’t hear it doesn’t mean we didn’t, not nice so don’t do it
Men do not sit with your legs wide open causing the person next to you to be squashed, if you insist on doing so please change your trousers daily, on hot days there is a bit of a whiff so close your legs.
Deodorant is a wonderful thing, if you insist on shoving your armpit in someones face then at least have the decency to use deodorant
It is not acceptable to focus on cleavage or bottoms we know you are looking and take great pleasure in catching you at it

Do not eat crisps, have you heard yourself?
If you have eaten garlic the night before please have mints to hand, nothing worse than someone with garlic gob first thing in the morning

If you are drunk then be sick in the toilet

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5 pieces of wisdom my Mother gave me and I ignored

1, Swallow the pill don’t keep it between your knees, I still wonder if she was referring to my brothers the boys from hell

2, Always wear clean knickers, to this very day I still heed those words

3, One day you will feel sorry for me, that day came when my daughters turned into emo’s

4, Always smile but try not to look like the smiling assassin

5, Tomorrow is another day and with it will come more crap

Sensible woman my Mother

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