Life really does go backwards at 40

I really should have just gone back to bed

on June 25, 2012

You know one of those days where you should just go back to bed and start again, well today is one of them. When I say today I mean Sunday as by the time I finish this post it will be tomorrow which is Monday therefore yesterday rather than today if you get what I mean.

First thing I did wrong was stay up way too late and have too much wine last night being Saturday.

So needing to get up early I wake at 9.15 which is extremely late and the frazzle dogs are sacked for not getting me up early. I head downstairs to make tea for myself and Mr F, I let the very lazy dogs out for a piddle. I have the concentration span of a gnat so I’m distracted by, well I don’t actually know to be honest. In my distracted state and without realising I make Mr F a cup of teaoffee, a tea bag and a spoon full of coffee in one cup, who knows it may catch on, if it does remember you heard it here first. Personally I blame the teaspoon, bit harsh as it’s the only bleeding teaspoon left in the house all the others have been chucked in the rubbish bin by the emos, but there you go. I head upstairs with mug in hand, present mug to Mr F who just sniffs and frowns. Now in my defence I am grumpy because I’m late up but Mr F’s needs to stop sniffing the mug. I cannee resist it no more and say, it’s not got fairy liquid in it, Mr F replied I know it bleeding hasnt you’ve made me flipping teaoffee again you dingbat. Now at this moment in time I contemplate throwing said mug of teaoffee at Mr F but stop myself as it will be me that has to change all the bleeding sheets.

Showered and dressed I shove the essential items in my bra which is my second handbag, car fob and poo bags one side and phone tucked in the other side. It’s emo 3’s 16 birthday tomorrow being Monday so I head downstairs as I have some prezzies in the boot of my car. Distracting moment happens again and I’m sidetracked by Hugo the washing machine, something catches my eye in the loo so I bed down to investigate what it is and plop goes my car key fob. I clutch my bra, phew phone and poo bags are safe but not the fob. Unfortunately my fob is siting amongst emo 3’s hair extensions which middle emo tried to drown in the loo. Hand goes in and I detangle my fob out of the hair, yuk.

I head out to the car and start pressing and nothing, nowt, bleeding diddly squat, Boris will not be letting me delve into the contents of his bum. Yes everything in this house has a name, Boris being my car. I shout Mr F who suggests I use the spare fob, great only I have no idea where the fek it is. So this information relayed to Mr F he advises I will just have to let it dry out. Sometimes I just wish Mr F wouldn’t state the bleeding obvious. Bingo moment, I’ll call Minji emergency assistance, Minji being my name for Mini.

The lady on the other end of the phone hoots with laughter as I tell her what the problem is, not really very helpful at all. She tells me that the man from Minji will be with me within the hour and he will have a new fob for Boris. So I wait and a very cheery man arrives within the hour. Mr Minji asks me what has happened and I explain the problem, whilst telling Mr Minji my woes he develops a frown and says, oh bless you my dear. Now if I’m not mistaken I’m just frazzled not bleeding possessed so I snort at the man from Minji that I do not need blessing I need access to Boris’s bum. I’ve never seen a man shift so fast, Mr Minji clearly thinks I’m a picnic short of a sandwich and proceeds to give me a new fob. In my defence sometimes saying nothing is better, men take note……

Next on my list is a birthday cake for emo 3. I’m not bad at baking but to be honest my friend BBG is great at making cakes. Quick check of what time it is, I think perhaps it maybe a bit late in the day to ask her, she is one of those people who will do anything to help others. I’m just about to start writing a text when I am suddenly reminded of the last time BBG baked me a cake. Now I know she wont mind me saying this but she is just like me easily distracted, she managed to blow up her brownies which went everywhere. BBG arrived with birthday cake and I’m looking at her thinking what the feks that in her hair so I ask her. Poor BBG hadn’t realised that when the brownie mix exploded and hit the ceiling bits had fallen off and landed in her hair which is blonde. Bad idea, she was traumatised, she had been shopping and to various places with her hair full of brownie mix, cant do it to her again. Ok so I admit I have cheated and purchased a cake from the shop, doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?

Chocolate Party Cake image

So dinner has to be prepared, Dad will soon be here and needing to be fed. Now my fuggly dog decides she is going to start impersonating a demanding toddler and proceeds to whack me on the leg with a plastic santa on a rope whilst pulling faces with her tongue lolling out. Fuggly dog isn’t a pretty dog at all, mind you she fared better than one of her sisters, Ronnie, who was seriously hit with fuggly stick and looks like batfink……….

Distracted again and after half an hour of flinging plastic santa around the garden I am allowed to get on with dinner.

So dinner is on and Dad arrives and asks whats for dinner, when I tell him I have a ham roasting he isn’t impressed, he thought it was beef. Now at no point did I say its was beef and start negotiating with Dad. Eventually I give up and shove the Sunday papers under his nose.

Dinner is served with much grumblings from the Dad corner. Dessert time, now it’s either strawberries and cream or ice cream or blackcurrant cheesecake. After much deliberation by both Mr F and Dad hoorah we agree on strawberries. Now comes the painful bit do you want cream or ice cream. 20 minutes later and after lots of what do you want, no what do you want and lots of I’m not bothered they are given cream. I resist the urge to fling the cream at the pair of them, ffks it’s not a life threatening decision, cream or feking ice cream, simples.

Everyone fed, Dad is plonked on the sofa with escape to the country on the tv, he falls asleep so I start clearing up. Demented toddler acting fuggly dog continues to slap me with plastic santa so off we go up the garden again.

Dad is despatched home with Mr F going along to make sure the correct bins are put out, I will add Dad is sent home with a portion of cheesecake or tomorrow I will get, what happened to the cheesecake.

It’s now evening and the masshoosive ironing pile catches my eye and I meep. I start with good intentions and after 3 shirts I have had enough of fuggly toddler dog and its plastic santa so off up the garden we go. Now why I decide at this moment in time to inspect the garden I have no idea. I flit about with lots of oh’s and eeks as I notice the splendid display of masshoosive triffid weeds. I don my gloves and head in to remove the triffids but wait I am distracted yet again. On closer inspection its a nettle that’s distracted me. Now sniffing a nettle is a stupid idea, I was stung on the nose and it feking huts let me tell you, so much so I gave up, alas they will still be there tomorrow.

The rest of my evening was spent trying to reason with the fuggly toddler impersonating dog who has now fallen in love with my left leg. Believe me a fuggly gurning, tongue lolling dog hanging off your leg whilst whacking you with a plastic santa on a rope aint no pretty picture so plastic santa has been flung over the fence and no doubt is in the neighbours pond.

I head to bed with high hopes that tomorrow will be a better day……………………………… next joke ๐Ÿ™‚


2 responses to “I really should have just gone back to bed

  1. TammyeHoney says:

    You do know that the States are quite lovely to visit this time of year? It might be a great time to sneak away with a note that says…”Do not try to find me for at least 10 days as I need a break or I will start to break everything in sight…”

  2. I will bare that in mind ๐Ÿ˜‰

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