Life really does go backwards at 40

Noooo not a another smelly fuggly ginger animal please

Dilemmas yet again at Frazzle Towers, why? Mr F wants an alpaca and not just any old alpaca he wants this one

And if that isn’t bad enough he has already given it a name….. Jock and how did I find out? he announced it on twitter, no Mr F, I don’t think twitter is the best place to announce to your wife you’ve bought an alpaca.

Now those of you that know me will be aware I already have an assortment of dependants, humans and animals and for those that don’t,

I have 3 emo’s who will think its cute until it bottom burps, spits or has a poo then it will be the most disgusting smelly thing on earth. We had the same issues with the guinea pig. Parents be warned getting you’re kids a pet to try to teach them responsibility…….. it doesn’t work, been there got the t-shirt and been bitten for my troubles.

2 dogs, Bert the boxer who is mad as a box of frogs, he happens to be ginger too. Bert will try to box it. Lulu the British Bulldog who is sort of gingerish, she happens to be the most active bulldog on the planet and has made it her life’s mission to stalk everything in the garden or fields, be it a leaf, butterfly or her current obsession is the squirrels, anyway needless to say Lulu will try to eat it.

Dinks the cat, well bless him he is poorly and quite frankly wont give a flying fig.

The horses, they don’t get on with alpacas and if it’s anything like the time they met a donkey well it will be carnage, they are still traumatised by the meeting.

And Dad, well Dad will just think its an overgrown sheep.

Why he wants one I have no feking idea, you can’t eat it, ride or really do much with it apart from clip it and sell the wool. I suppose that will be left to me too as I clip the horses.

Now I already have to get up at stupid o’clock before work to do the horses, walk the dogs and feed the cat so I am assuming I will now have to add another half an hour to do the ginger thing.  One more problem looming, I know that they are not solitary animals and I know Mr F knows this so either he is thinking of buying 2 and probably calling them Jock and Taff or Jock and Paddy or worse still he will get a goat as a companion. Now I had goats as a child and quite frankly the damn things are a pain in the arriss, always escaping and they eat everything. So needless to say I dare not ask what companion Jock will have.

The locals will think I’ve finally lost the plot not that they think I had the plot in the first place, they already think Im mad what with the boxing boxer dog, the fuggly bulldog that hates busses and the horses with donkey issues, so when they see me walking an assortment of ginger animals in the dark wearing my pj’s, wooly hat and wellies with a humming alpaca plus companion in tow I will be given an even wider birth than normal.

If someone out there wants to adopt me please, please, please come and get me


Memory of a pea…….

Its hit me I am getting old, things are not what they used to be or in my case not where they should be, so here are my symptoms
I’ve started calling my best friend of 20 years thingy
My car has started moving itself from where I left it
I can paint a picture of it, draw a diagram or demonstrate how to use it to Olympic standard but be beggared if I can remember the damn things name
When I get to the bottom of the stairs I cannot remember for the life of me if I was going up or I’ve just come down
When I do figure it out I can’t remember what I was going up or coming down for
I answer  my phone when it’s actually a phone ringing on the TV
When I do go out its to restaurants or pubs that don’t play music purely so I can hear what people are saying
I ring someone and when they answer I’ve  forgotten, who I was calling and why I am calling them
I’ve started wearing knickers that could double as a parachute rather than the bikini style
My get up and go has got up and gone without me………………… 😉

The Randomness of Facebook

Over on Facebook the following is happening,

Claire my cousin wants us to send in the clowns, she has a clown phobia so that’s a random post

Donna wants the sun to pee off because its messing up her training session. I was wondering if I should suggest that she perhaps runs when its cooler.

Mark has a long weekend

Sheila has a stack of scratch cards in cafe world to give out

Mini is heading down under

Sheila now needs my help in cafe world

Hayley horoscope has been posted twice, perhaps she missed it the first time

Toni had a Cornish pasty for lunch, she failed to update if it was nice or not

Sheila needs some wood

Linda needs a secret paparazzi invite

Peter is trying to insure his excitement when he gets home and is going to paint the wall and watch it dry. I can only assume he is bored at work

Linda is now a bread pudding souffle master. I am going to google that one as I’m sure its made up

Toni has been watching crazy horse racing in Japan. Was that before or after Cornish pasty

Donna has run 3.39M in 29m8s and logged it. Not sure if I should ask was that before it got hot or not.

Mrs S likes cycle sprog. No idea and im not going to ask either

Avril wishes tonsillitis would just bugger off

Sheila found a white mouse nibbling her cheese

Sheila is now a crawfish etoutfee master. WTF is one of them

Sheila has put an egg up for grabs. Perhaps she needs to watch that mouse

Kathy says Facebook is shocking

Serena wants to go and see Expendables 2 but has no one to go with.

Sophie has been to see Expendables 2. Hope Serena doesnt spot that comment

Nick is ranting about Mr Hague

Kath’s chatbox is jumping up and down

Jane is off to trim her bush

Linda needs lemon curd tickets. Never heard of them

Sheila has knocked a snake out. Not sure how that got in her flat

Susie has spent too much time out in the sun and looks like a red tomato

Sian is off to Wales where it is raining yet again

Abbi had a bit of a dance with Tasha last night

Christie needs a roofer

Georgie fell asleep on the train and missed her stop

Kath wants to know who the hell is Prince Henry of Wales

Hayley is camping and its crap

Kath will be having Moet and a kebab later. Quality mix

Meeri has over eaten

Sheila just checked in on the sofa. I bed she needed to sit down, she has had a very busy day

Kathryn’s horse has moved the shovel

Apart from Sheila and Linda everyone appears to have had a quiet day.

Complete and utter randomness so I’m off back to twitter 😉


My daughter just blew up the microwave – Part 2

Thought it was time to add to the never-ending list of blown up and lost items since I first created this post.

Yes that’s what I said, how? by leaving her knife and fork on the plate shoving it in the microwave and pressing the on switch and all she could do was laugh.  In 19 days she will be 16 and according to law can leave home, she wont but its a scary thought. This soon to be old enough to leave home has blown up or broken the following appliances/gadget within the last 12 months,

1, Laptop, apparently the dog jumped on her bed and sat on the screen so she says it’s the dogs fault.  Leaving bedroom door open, laptop on bed with screen open isn’t a silly thing to do so she claims.

2, 3 Blackberrys, first one she dropped, 2nd one she dropped that too and the third one was in her blazer pocket and she was going to the loo but had a cup of hot chocolate which also went in her pocket so when she bent down one hot chocolate flavoured blackberry, nice. All I can say is thank god I took out phone insurance, best £25.00 I have ever spent.

3, iPods, pretty much the same fate as the blackberry’s I think we are on iPod number 5. I have one of the first generation nano which is still going strong, how has it survived so long because she isn’t allowed anywhere near it. This might be the time to add we are also on docking station number 3, no idea have given up asking.

4, Headphones, countless with various excuses from the cat ate them through to I dunno.

5, Hairdryer, I think we are on number 3 now, all due to having hair dryer on full pelt on average for an hour at a time.

6, Hair straighteners, 2 so far for the same reasons as the hair dryer. I have hidden my GHD’s as she borrowed them last week  and when I went upstairs they had been on for 2 hours and were smoking.

7, Washing machine, twice ive had to have it repaired after she attempted to use it.

8, Camera, 1 so far that belonged to Mr F  and he wasnt a happy bunny. Apparently it must have been dropped. Shoving it in a drawer hoping no one would ask where it was is a silly thing to do.

9, Bus pass, I know it’s not a gadget but im on a roll now. So far this has been replaced 4 times at £10.00 a go and has been deducted from her pocket-money

10, House keys, I have given up… Mr F purchased a spare lock because its cheaper to change the locks every time she looses a key.

Needless to say she never gets asked to baby, dog or cat sit, water anyones plants in fact no one asks her for any form of help

Omg she has just asked for a camera for her 16th birthday *big sigh*


So the big birthday came and went, she got the camera which is now broken 😦 She tells me she is no longer going to take A level photography so it doesn’t matter that the camera is broken *bangs head on desk*

so what else has she broken since the first post……….

Now up to 2 cameras

House keys, she has managed to misplace 2 more keys and now has to rely on being let in

Passport, she lost this so couldn’t go to Italy on holiday with her best friend and family

Another blackberry, yet again thank god for insurance

Her boyfriends iPod which he kindly lent her

Her boyfriends laptop which yet again he kindly lent her, the dog was blamed again for sitting on it again

My netbook, apparently it just stopped working one day…really

Her guitar, I am not going to even try to explain this one

Her bed yet again no idea but she woke up one morning and it had broken all by itself…random

The shower, pass on this one too

3 cream towels, she decided to dye her hair violet, needless to say they are all now ruined and been designated as dog towels

Another hairdryer

Sky remote, she admitting to dropping it on a stone floor

Another oyster card

Her CV en route to a job interview, apparently it was raining and she had forgotten her brolly so she used her CV instead to save her violet hair from the rain, needless to say they took one look at her hair and didn’t invite her back 🙂


The Diary of Dinks the cat

Hello all 🙂

My name is Dinks and I am a 10-year-old male tabby cat. I have recently been diagnosed with kidney failure and Mum has decided to document the trials and tribulations of the time I have left.

I was born on a farm, my Mum being a stable cat and wild. There were 7 kittens, 4 boys 3 girls, I was the smallest.

I came to live with my Mum when I was 8 weeks old as my Mum got caught in some barbed wire and went to Rainbow Bridge. I was very lucky and arrived at my new home in a shoe box, I was so small I used a quality street tin lid as a litter tray.

Over the years I grew and  Mum says considering I was so small I am now actually massive :). I’ve been very lucky no visits to the vets apart from the usual routine visits until now.

About a week ago Mum noticed my 3rd eyelid was half-open and told me that I needed to see the vet.

So come Monday morning Mum spent a good while trying to catch me for my trip :). Our vets is only a 2 min drive away but unfortunately he was very busy that day so Mum said we were in for a bit of a wait. While we were waiting an English Bull Terrier was carried in by his owner, he couldn’t walk and I could hear Mum talking to his owner, Del-boy is his name and he collapsed suddenly, I could hear Mum offering to let him go first but his owner said no its quite alright we will wait our turn.

So in we went and the vet looked at me, much humming and examining me, he even shoved a thermometer up my bum! So after much chatting the vet decided I have a problem with my kidneys and he needed to take some blood and put a tube in my bladder to test my wee. If I’d have known what was coming I would have scratched him but I didn’t, I sat there and let him put a needle in my neck and a tube up my Winkle. The vet told Mum I would have to stay while they ran some tests. Mum was coming back in an hour with my dog sister Lulu for her injections so she gave me a hug and said see you later fat boy winks, which is my nickname 🙂

An hour later I can hear Mum and Lulu but I can’t see her because I am now laid in a cage and underneath me lays Del-boy. I wait and wait and finally Mum minus Lulu comes in with the vet. I want to go home so I have my face up against the cage but the vet says no I have kidney failure and need to go on a drip :(.  Poor Mum is so sad, she is being told I need to stay on a drip for 5 days and I can’t come home.

Dinks in the vets

So there I stay, I have a drip, daily blood tests, injections and special food. Mum and Dad come to visit me every day and when they do I eat, I don’t want to eat unless they are there. Del-boys owner comes everyday too, he has kidney failure too so his Dad is very sad because he is only two years old.

By Friday my tests are at an acceptable level so I can go home. I am soooo very happy.

Mum tells me I have go back next week and monthly ever after. I heard Mum telling Dad that they think I only have a year left but she will make sure I am looked after during that time.

Now at home camped out on Little emo's bed

So now I am home, Mum has washed all my blankies and I am lounging in the sun puddles on the little emo’s bed…..ah this is the life 🙂

Mum said she is going to document the time I have left, Im sure this is some kind of therapy for her as she is a bit soppy when it comes to animals. So please drop by and have a look at my progress 🙂


Great blog


I have always wanted to write a book, ever since a clairvoyant told me and my mother that I would become a writer.  I’m not really sure why I kept hold of that, as everything else she said was rubbish!  Anyway I have decided to dip my toe in the water by blogging.  However my grammar is appalling (I write the same as I speak) so this should be interesting.  My mind is filled with odd things and I feel they should be shared with the world, so here I am.

People often tell me I’m funny, little do they know that it’s my defence mechanism against the world.  However I have no idea if I’m still humorous in text, I’ll let you be the judge.

Recently I’ve discovered a mass invasion of grey hairs in some quite prominent places.  This invasion plus other people’s perceptions of me, are the…

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The Ninja half the age of my boobs bra fitter

Bra fitting, what can I say……

There comes a time in life when you can’t put it off any longer, having previously tried M&S and Debenhams both gave me different sizes I was at a bit of a loss until a friend suggested Bravissimo so I thought I’d give it a go. Now I’m not what you would call average shape being that I’m a size 8 and my boobs are now totally masshoosivly out of  proportion which makes my top half a size masshoosive and the bottom an 8. Buying dresses is a nightmare they either fit on top and hang like a tent on the bottom or I end up looking like a milkmaid on top while the bottom half looks fine.

I need to tackle this before they end up by my knee’s. After the recommendation I gave Bravissimo a go.

I am greeted by a girl called Jenna and yes I mean girl my boobs are at least twice her age, she welcomes me and is quite short so she is eye level with my boobs now nicknamed Dolly and Faith, the eye level bra fitter tells me they don’t measure its all done by eye….panic.

I am promptly ushered into a dressing room, I say dressing room but I’m not sure it is, the room is lined with mirrors, neon lights, a podium in the middle and if my eyes don’t deceive me that’s a dressing gown hanging in the corner. I am asked to stand on the podium and handed the dressing gown, cue panic yet again…

Did I put good pants on this morning or am I wearing my faithful grey sloggi’s, oh I could cry, what am I doing.

My face must have given my despair away,  on cue music is piped through the room, ocean waves crashing a against rocks I think it’s called, but this isn’t good because the water flapping is going to make me want a wee. Jenna starts to reassure me, she has seen many ladies boobs and I shouldn’t be embarrassed. Embarrassed I am mortified, not only is she eye level with Dolly and Faith, they are twice her age and no one but Mr F gets to see them. Oh my days what to do.  I can’t run because she is stood in front of me, I have no choice but to strip.

So there I am stood in front of a child in my underwear which thank god isn’t grey and isn’t the faithful sloggis in a room surrounded by neon lights stood on a podium whilst water music is piped around me and I need to wee, oh my days what was I thinking of. That thought is quickly removed when Jenna grabs bra clad Dolly and Faith and proceeds to hoik them up under my chin while making rather strange grunting noises, she hoiks them up and tells me this is where they should be sitting. I resist the urge to say I don’t want to be chin slapped by Dolly and Faith. So more hoiking and grunting takes place and I’m told I am wearing the wrong size bra.

This child tells me she is off to find bra’s so I am left standing on a podium in a neon mirrored room with water music playing in the background thinking WTF am I doing.

Jenna promptly returns with an assortment of bra’s like some mad bra grabbing ninja that she is.  Apparently it is time to release Dolly and Faith, as bra ninja is stood right in front of me and eye level with Dolly and Faith I have no option but to say, you might want to stand back……

Bra ninja proceeds to whip round me arranging Dolly and Faith into various bra’s, she truly is a ninja, as soon as one is on much hoiking and grunting takes place the bra is then whipped off and flung on the floor to be replaced by another. My head is spinning she is moving so fast, my arms are up, down up down I cannot keep up with this boob ninja.

Before I know it boob ninja has selected 5 bra’s for different occasions, work, sport…err why?  You name it there was one for every occasion, yet again she works like a ninja and Dolly and Faith are promptly nestled in the chosen few.

It was a harrowing experience, I expected an older lady and got an eye level child half the age of  Dolly and Faith bra fitting ninja, in fairness she was actually very good I just wasn’t prepared, however I will be eternally grateful I didn’t end up looking like this 😉