fortyplusandfrazzled

Life really does go backwards at 40

The emo years

Having just read a blog about life with children and the reality of what life is like the article only covered the early years obviously because her children are still young. So to those of you with pre emo children, make the most of it, these are the nice years, I say give me back the toddler days

Emo years start about the same time as they hit the teens and goes something like this

Preparation

Watch Kevin and Perry or Catherine Tates, am I bovvered

Knowledge

Forget the books, put the money into an account to replace the masshoosive amounts of things they will break, mobile phones, computers, hair dryers, house keys, beds oh the list is endless

Physic ability

Develop this skill, you will need to be physic and a mind reader or buy a crystal ball

Clothes

Forget style or anything that matches, don’t even think about buying them anything unless they are with you and if you decide to go shopping with them drink half a bottle of vodka and take a packet of prozac in preparation, you will need it

Going out

Give them at least a weeks notice then add a couple of days for good measure that way you may actually arrive on time.

Conversations

Anything more than a grunt  you should be worried. If is starts with Muuuuuum or Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad panic and if its starts with MILF run for the hills. Social media appears to be the most popular way with emo’s, failing that ring their friends parents as they know exactly what they are doing. Be prepared for other emo’s parents to contact you for updates on their emo’s and also inform you of the unfair things that you do as a parent of emo’s. Emo’s love everyone else’s parents, don’t take it personally.

If there is an emo emergency e.g no make up, no hair dye, no bag, hole in tights, no bread, no bubble bath, its raining, lost bus pass, lost keys and so on, be prepared to be hit with this emergency just as you are about to head out of the door for work, you will be expected to deal with this emergency now, everything else is not important!

Sarcasm

Is a natural trait and expect lots but be prepared for masshoosive sulks and strops when you as a parent use sarcasm, apparently it’s not funny for a parent to use sarcasm however its hysterical for an emo to be sarcastic

Food

Whatever you’ve made they wont want it. expect lots of rummaging in the fridge, freezer and cupboards amongst a chorus of grunts and sighs. Do not be offended when emo’s go to other emo’s houses and tell their parents you don’t buy food or they havent eaten for a week. If they do attempt to make food expect them to make 3 times the quantity required and for most of it to go in the bin.

Eating out

It doesn’t matter where you pick it will be wrong and they wont like anything on the menu. If you do happen to ask where they would like to go they will grunt they went there last week with XYZ as obviously you don’t feed them or buy food.

Night time

Dont expect emo’s to spend quality time with the family well unless its someone else’s family. Expect to see them when they want to watch X Factor, Doctor Who or The Big Bang Theory. Expect bedroom lights to be on for most of the night as this is the time they are most active.

Cars

Dont expect conversation as they are glued to the phone and conversation interrupts their thought process. Expect emos to hide if they see other emo’s and do not expect any gratitude. Depending on how many emo’s are in the car expect to hear music blaring from headphones and when emo’s leave the car just expect the door to be slammed.

Going for a walk

Haha don’t make me laugh

Grocery shopping

Expect your bill to be double triple as crap gets thrown in the trolley well that’s if you can find it as the emo’s will be dashing around on it like it’s a scooter. Dont expect any help with packing or unpacking the shopping and expect lots of ‘there is nothing to eat’.

Mess

Emo’s thrive on mess,  apparently organised chaos is acceptable which means a foot deep pile of clothes on the bedroom floor, towels dumped on the bathroom floor, empty bottles put back in cupboards and crisp packets shoved behind cushions

Hygiene

If you don’t have two bathrooms then move house NOW. Expect the emo’s to spend on average 3 – 4 hours in the bath constantly topping up the hot water so if you have a water meter take a hammer to it.

Sleepless nights

Oh you think the days of those are over? Well let me tell you they are not….It doesnt matter if you have a NO opposite sex overnight guests policy male emo’s ignore it. So the 2 am squeals are replaced by squeals of another kind. You just want to hope the beer goggles havent been on and a masshoosive minger greets you first thing or even worse he has been out on grab a granny night!

Holidays

If you take companions for emo’s don’t expect to see them unless they need money or its time to go home. If emo’s are companionless expect fights, being bored all the time despite arranging their favourite pastimes, they will not be happy until they have made new friends and can dump you, again don’t expect to see them unless it’s for money or its time to head home. When its time to head home expect lots of sulking and emo’s to wander off at every opportunity and in extreme cases try to board the wrong plane.

Emo sayings

The following are all normal daily sayings

It’s not fair

Can you get…..

Can you pick me up

Can you take me……

Can I have…….

Im at ……

I don’t want food

I’ve only been in here for an hour

Everyone does it

YOLO or whatever the saying of the week is

XYZ Mum lets…..

You are not funny

Expect every other emo’s house to be nicer, have a nicer car, nicer pets, better holidays, thinner, fatter, younger or older parents, or they do more with them, have no boundaries or no chores to do, in fact no matter what you do you will only be the best, hip and coolest parents to an emo that isn’t yours.

No matter what happens to your emo it will always be YOUR fault.

So enjoy the early years at least you know where they are, what they eat, who they are with and the art of conversation isn’t dead

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Hello its Rob from Fix my Rim……

Those of you that know me will know I am absolutely fanatical, besotted whatever you want to call it about my car and in particular my alloys. My car is the one thing that’s mine, it wont fit in all three emo’s thank god, I don’t have to share it, If it gets mucky its down to me and I can play what I want at the volume I want. Yes I know it’s a lump of metal.

Its 2 years old now and coming up for its first service so I call the dealer and book it in. The day comes and off Zelda goes, yes everything mechanical has a name in this house……. Zelda is brought back to me serviced and washed well I say washed they had washed everything apart from her wheels and bum. At the time I didn’t think it was odd they had forgotten to wash her wheels until the next day when I was talking to Dick in the works car park and she points out there is a lump missing out of my alloys.

The lump

Yes I know it’s not a huge lump that’s not the point, someone has curbed my car and I wasnt a happy bunny.

I call the dealership and fair play they agreed it was their fault and would get it repaired. The firm they use is local to me so I was asked if they could give them my number rather than me taking it back to the dealership etc and was told they would call me back once they had spoken to them.

On the way home I got a call from the dealership before anyone says mobile phones and cars,  Its fitted with bluetooth so hands free. I answer the call and its the dealership who tell me they have given my details to the company and they would be in touch. I am told that the chaps name is Rob and the company is called fix my rim…..well I have a mind of a teenager and thinking my hearing aids were not working properly so I ask him to repeat the company name to which the response again is fix my rim. At this point I am now sat in traffic and am laughing and clapping so much that I sound like a seal, the poor bloke on the other end thinks I am ill and keeps asking me if he can call someone, the more he says this the more I laugh. Those sat in their cars next to me must have thought I was a Nutter as by now no noise is coming out of my mouth but I am still clapping whilst rocking with tears streaming down my face and the poor man still keeps asking me if im ok. I manage to compose myself long enough to say I am fine and hang up.

I don’t know about you but when these things happen I always have to ring someone to relay the hysterics so I call Mr F and manage to say I’ve had a call from fix and that was it I am off again and cannot speak and the seal impression begins again, Mr F just hangs up, I think he is used to me by now. I am slightly put out he hung up so I call Dick to tell her instead and go through the same process again but eventually relay the story, by now Dick has googled fix my rim and there is hysterical laughter coming from the office. So now I am not the only one that sounds like a seal….

A couple of days later we were on our way to Dads and my mobile rings, I answer the call and the voice says Hello its Rob from fix my rim, well I am off again and cannot stop, poor man. Rob tells me that he will come over on Thursday and will text me to confirm that morning meanwhile im still snorting with hysterics.

The day comes and I have to take Dad for a blood test so I am sat in the surgery with him when my mobile goes, I’ve saved his number and so its says I have a text from fix my rim and I am off again, everyone in the surgery is looking at me and I can’t stop laughing. Fix my rim will be with me in 30 mins. I am praying his van isn’t sign written because I will probably wet myself laughing……….

Rob arrives in a plain van and fair play does a fabulous job of repairing my wheel. Before he leaves he gives me his card and before I can look at it he says no laughing. Panic I can’t look at it because I know its going to have some reference to the company name…god help me. Off he goes and sure enough the card does and yes I am off again laughing so hard that no noise comes out.

Why is it that a 43-year-old woman finds fix my rim hysterical and cannot stop laughing every time it’s mentioned, I have no idea but it made my week and thank you Mini for curbing my wheel, oh my days I have not laughed so much in ages. 🙂

 

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