Life really does go backwards at 40

The emo years

Having just read a blog about life with children and the reality of what life is like the article only covered the early years obviously because her children are still young. So to those of you with pre emo children, make the most of it, these are the nice years, I say give me back the toddler days

Emo years start about the same time as they hit the teens and goes something like this


Watch Kevin and Perry or Catherine Tates, am I bovvered


Forget the books, put the money into an account to replace the masshoosive amounts of things they will break, mobile phones, computers, hair dryers, house keys, beds oh the list is endless

Physic ability

Develop this skill, you will need to be physic and a mind reader or buy a crystal ball


Forget style or anything that matches, don’t even think about buying them anything unless they are with you and if you decide to go shopping with them drink half a bottle of vodka and take a packet of prozac in preparation, you will need it

Going out

Give them at least a weeks notice then add a couple of days for good measure that way you may actually arrive on time.


Anything more than a grunt  you should be worried. If is starts with Muuuuuum or Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad panic and if its starts with MILF run for the hills. Social media appears to be the most popular way with emo’s, failing that ring their friends parents as they know exactly what they are doing. Be prepared for other emo’s parents to contact you for updates on their emo’s and also inform you of the unfair things that you do as a parent of emo’s. Emo’s love everyone else’s parents, don’t take it personally.

If there is an emo emergency e.g no make up, no hair dye, no bag, hole in tights, no bread, no bubble bath, its raining, lost bus pass, lost keys and so on, be prepared to be hit with this emergency just as you are about to head out of the door for work, you will be expected to deal with this emergency now, everything else is not important!


Is a natural trait and expect lots but be prepared for masshoosive sulks and strops when you as a parent use sarcasm, apparently it’s not funny for a parent to use sarcasm however its hysterical for an emo to be sarcastic


Whatever you’ve made they wont want it. expect lots of rummaging in the fridge, freezer and cupboards amongst a chorus of grunts and sighs. Do not be offended when emo’s go to other emo’s houses and tell their parents you don’t buy food or they havent eaten for a week. If they do attempt to make food expect them to make 3 times the quantity required and for most of it to go in the bin.

Eating out

It doesn’t matter where you pick it will be wrong and they wont like anything on the menu. If you do happen to ask where they would like to go they will grunt they went there last week with XYZ as obviously you don’t feed them or buy food.

Night time

Dont expect emo’s to spend quality time with the family well unless its someone else’s family. Expect to see them when they want to watch X Factor, Doctor Who or The Big Bang Theory. Expect bedroom lights to be on for most of the night as this is the time they are most active.


Dont expect conversation as they are glued to the phone and conversation interrupts their thought process. Expect emos to hide if they see other emo’s and do not expect any gratitude. Depending on how many emo’s are in the car expect to hear music blaring from headphones and when emo’s leave the car just expect the door to be slammed.

Going for a walk

Haha don’t make me laugh

Grocery shopping

Expect your bill to be double triple as crap gets thrown in the trolley well that’s if you can find it as the emo’s will be dashing around on it like it’s a scooter. Dont expect any help with packing or unpacking the shopping and expect lots of ‘there is nothing to eat’.


Emo’s thrive on mess,  apparently organised chaos is acceptable which means a foot deep pile of clothes on the bedroom floor, towels dumped on the bathroom floor, empty bottles put back in cupboards and crisp packets shoved behind cushions


If you don’t have two bathrooms then move house NOW. Expect the emo’s to spend on average 3 – 4 hours in the bath constantly topping up the hot water so if you have a water meter take a hammer to it.

Sleepless nights

Oh you think the days of those are over? Well let me tell you they are not….It doesnt matter if you have a NO opposite sex overnight guests policy male emo’s ignore it. So the 2 am squeals are replaced by squeals of another kind. You just want to hope the beer goggles havent been on and a masshoosive minger greets you first thing or even worse he has been out on grab a granny night!


If you take companions for emo’s don’t expect to see them unless they need money or its time to go home. If emo’s are companionless expect fights, being bored all the time despite arranging their favourite pastimes, they will not be happy until they have made new friends and can dump you, again don’t expect to see them unless it’s for money or its time to head home. When its time to head home expect lots of sulking and emo’s to wander off at every opportunity and in extreme cases try to board the wrong plane.

Emo sayings

The following are all normal daily sayings

It’s not fair

Can you get…..

Can you pick me up

Can you take me……

Can I have…….

Im at ……

I don’t want food

I’ve only been in here for an hour

Everyone does it

YOLO or whatever the saying of the week is

XYZ Mum lets…..

You are not funny

Expect every other emo’s house to be nicer, have a nicer car, nicer pets, better holidays, thinner, fatter, younger or older parents, or they do more with them, have no boundaries or no chores to do, in fact no matter what you do you will only be the best, hip and coolest parents to an emo that isn’t yours.

No matter what happens to your emo it will always be YOUR fault.

So enjoy the early years at least you know where they are, what they eat, who they are with and the art of conversation isn’t dead


10 Reasons why not to try Yoga

1, It doesn’t burn any calories

2, You can’t bare to share a room with a bunch of double jointed twiglets

3, Have you tried on a leotard?

4, Spend the money on cakes much more enjoyable

5, You will fall asleep and snore during the lying down bits

6, Fanny farts, I shall say no more

7, As an activity its somewhat difficult to pin down so is zorbing

8, Greater body awareness, Im fully aware thank you that everything is going south

9,  Concentration, I can sit on the loo and prepare in my mind my shopping list

10, If I could bend like that I would make a fortune